


The End of Inifity

by xenoglossia (oncharredwings)



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Accidental Outing, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Aromantic, Canon Universe, Confessions, Confusion, Dreams, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Enemies to Friends, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Hallucinations, M/M, No KH3 spoilers, Party, aromantic Roxas, everyone is legal, idk where this is happening in the timeline yolo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-22 10:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17661257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/xenoglossia
Summary: Dreams can show our greatest hopes and our biggest fears.When Axel and Sora fall into a dreamscape they cannot wake from, they are left vulnerable. It is up to their friends to save them but will they want to wake when the time comes?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Kingdom Hearts fanfiction even if I've been in love with this game since 2002. I was too young to really be in fandom when KH dropped and then it sort of fell off the wayside as I grew older but has always been a part of me. Now with KH3's release, I'm really excited to start writing for this fandom and my idiot sons. Please be gentle with me <3
> 
> Also, as you can see, I've changed my handle. I wanted something less fandom related and more gen, so I can write whatever and not feel too confined! Still me, still loving sheith, I swear I haven't stopped loving or writing sheith for good! but this KH fic has me by the throat, fam
> 
> I always add tags, please always check for updates!

“You’re pulling!”

“Well, if you don’t hold still, that’s what happens!”

Axel groans and tries to hold still but being half of a giant he doesn’t have the easiest time bending over the sink so Roxas can cover his entire head in Manic Panic dye. “ _You_ try being this tall and then bending over the sink like this,” he grumbles helplessly.

“You’re being a baby, Axel,” Roxas argues but then his hands disappear from Axel’s scalp briefly before he reaches over to yank a kitchen chair with his foot. “Here, sit.”

He feels blindly for the chair and slowly sinks down to sit which takes all of the pressure off of his back and he almost moans at how much better this feels. When Roxas’ fingers return to his scalp and hair he relaxes further until he’s almost a puddle of useless Axel goo all over the floor. The soft scent of Roxas’ cologne drifting up his nose doesn’t help even though it’s quickly replaced by the smell of hair dye which immediately brings him crashing right back into reality’s orbit.

“Okay, there,” Roxas finally says. “Now, you have to sit like that for at least an hour but knowing you, I’d say longer than an hour.”

Axel groans but Roxas helps him stuff his hair under one of the plastic hair nets to keep him from making a mess with dye all over the place. He has too much hair but they finally manage to stuff it out of place. “I look like the lunch lady from my brief time in boarding school until I was ungraciously kicked out.”

Roxas snorts but starts to clean up Axels’ neck, scrubbing some of the dye away but Axel knows he’s going to look as if he has blood all over his exposed skin for a few days. “I guess you can say you shot a man.”

Axel snorts. “You’re the one with red hands, dude.”

They always forget gloves – no matter how many times Roxas has sat and dyed his hair, they always seem to forget gloves. Roxas glances to his hands covered in red dye but, like the saint he is, Roxas shrugs and briefly runs his hands with soap and water to clean off any excess.

“I don’t care.”

“You know, you’re a good guy, Rox,” Axel continues with a soft smile. “Really.”

The way Roxas returns the soft smile sends Axel’s heart into overdrive but then Roxas laughs and pokes his cheek playfully. “It’s just hair dye, man. It’ll come off eventually.”

“Right…” Axel reaches up to touch his cheek and doesn’t say anything else when Roxas walks away to sit and watch television in their small living room.

The apartment they lived at this year is campus sanctioned but also smaller than anything they could probably rent outside of campus. The price, however, is the cheapest in the area and Axel prefers cheap to spacious; he’s just glad Roxas feels the same way.

“Anything good?” he asks while walking out to join Roxas on the couch, still careful to not drip dye on any furniture. The couch is old and plaid but even though it’s mostly an eyesore, Axel doesn’t want to cause more damage to the only couch they own. He can still recall when they’d huffed and puffed to move it onto Pence’s truck.

“Nah,” Roxas replies, flipping through their limited channels. “Was gonna check Netflix, I guess.”

Axel hums as a response. He’ll watch anything but Roxas is picky about what goes on TV. “Sure,” he replies lightly. “Just don’t let me fall asleep. I’m tired.”

“You’re always tired.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t sleep well.”

Sleeping well is a distant memory from before high school but now his sleep is plagued with nightmares he can never understand or place. He wakes up in a panic, sweating, and heart racing but never with enough memory to discuss whatever leaves him so afraid. Only feelings – forgetting, dread, fear, and emptiness.

“You have another one last night?” Roxas whispers, his eyes turning onto Axel and the ocean in Roxas’ eyes softens.

“Yeah,” he replies quietly, picking at the dark, burgundy plaid of his shirt. “I did.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Roxas has always been someone for Axel to turn to when the nights are long and he can’t quite shake away fear or panic but he doesn’t like to rely on Roxas as a crutch. Not only is it not fair to Roxas but he doesn’t like constantly asking for help. He can handle his own problems.

“I didn’t want to bother you,”  he replies with a wave of his hand to dismiss the conversation. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Roxas argues. “Ax…”

“I’m _fine_. Watch your show.” He stands up to return to his room so the conversation can truly be dismissed. Blowing Roxas off isn’t fair but he doesn’t want to focus on the nightmares or what brings them beneath the surface of his skin.

He slowly sinks onto the bed and hides his face behind his hands. Darkness encapsulates his vision and briefly, the image of a door fills Axel’s mind. The door is tall, taller than him which is a feat in itself and made of whitewashed wood. The door is surrounded by darkness but it doesn’t seem to be affected by the darkness of the room. Fear starts through his heart and he drops his hands. The image fades out of memory to the point where he can’t even recall the shape of the door.

All he can remember is the feeling of dread.

The distant sound of the television helps him feel grounded back into the space of their apartment but his hands shake while he sits on the edge of the bed wishing these panic attacks would stop happening.

_There is nothing to be afraid of here. Stop being a baby, Axel. Pull it together._

“Hey,” comes Roxas’ soft voice as he knocks lightly on the doorframe. “You sure you’re alright?”

The concern in Roxas’ voice makes him soft and mushy inside and he wishes for a brief moment they could be more than close friends. _He’s not into that and you know it._ “I’m fine, I just… Had a rough night last night. I’m okay.”

“Well, next time, wake me up,” Roxas insists. “I’ll sit through it with you so you’re not alone. You know I don’t mind, Lea.”

 _Lea._ Only Roxas knows he goes by Lea on occasion. A middle name he’s highly embarrassed by but Roxas managed to pry out of him one drunken evening. Ever since he’s enjoyed the way the name sounds on Roxas’ tongue. “You know, you’re the only one I let call me that,” he whispers and a sad smile slides into his place as his mind shifts. An image of a scar fills his mind but he shoves the imprint aside.

_He doesn’t love you and he never did. Let him go._

“It’s a nice name,” Roxas replies. “You want pizza tonight? I’m starving.”

“Sure. Anything you want, Rox.”

“Great.”

The doorway empties and Axel is left alone to remember the taste of fear bitter on the back of his tongue. If it creeps back any further, Axel knows he’ll choke but who will come and save him when it stuffs his throat too far? His eyes drift to Roxas’ once occupied spot and knows, in his heart, Roxas would save him over and over without asking. _He already has._

The shining, wet drop of a tear staining his left leg makes him startle enough to touch his face in surprise. He hadn’t expected to start crying or even realized he has tears on a once dry face. The sudden appearance of tears could relate to whatever anxious beast living in his chest or with the memory of an x shaped scar. He hopes, for once, it is the anxious beast.

The bedroom’s energy shifts and leaves him cold so Axel flees the space to rejoin Roxas on the couch. Nothing on the television and nothing on Netflix to satisfy Roxas’ picky tastes, he ends up watching Roxas play _Verum Rex_ – some video game Axel’s never quite grasped a handle on. The only game he’s even somewhat good at is a racing game and he’s only decent if Roxas helps him win.

“Has it been an hour _yet_?” he asks boredom dragging the last word out in an annoyed sigh.

“Yeah, you can go rinse now. Come back and I’ll blow dry it and brush it out for you.”

Axel shudders at the implication but he rushes off to shower and rinse off the excess hair dye. Their shower will probably need bleached but they have all of those supplies on the ready. He’s been dying his hair as long as he can remember and ever since Roxas walked into his life, he’s helped on hair dye days. He strips down and his eyes fall onto the black, swirling tattoos on his arms; symbols he doesn’t recognize or even remember having inked into his skin.

The x shaped scar fills his mind’s eye again.

The only tattoo he does remember receiving is the one on the inside of his wrist.

**VIII**

The tattoo, like the others, is bold and black against his pale skin but unlike the others is attached to a memory. He can still remember the smell of the room, cleaning solution, and the pain running up his arm at the first tattoo to brand his skin. He can’t remember the face of the artist but his eyes had been on someone else anyway.

Axel drops his arm down and quickly yanks his eyes away from the mirror so he can focus on showering. The water runs red while he stands under the punishing heat, letting the hot water scald away the fear. More than once his gaze drifts down to the brand on his wrist.

 _Tattoo_.

More tears sting his eyes and they intermix with the water running over his face. His fingers dig into the ink on his wrist and he wishes he could scratch it away and never bring it to memory again.

“Axel?” Roxas calls through the door. “Don’t over wash, man.”

“Right,” he whispers and is glad for the distraction. Shutting the shower off, Axel dares to step out and use a towel to dry off so he can redress.

Roxas is waiting for him when he rounds the corner armed with a hairdryer and a brush. The sight makes him smile so he sinks down slowly onto the chair to allow Roxas to blow dry and brush his hair. The feeling brings peace to the fear plaguing his mind.

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Roxas,” he whispers.

“Hm?”

“I said I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Die?” Roxas jokes with a laugh. “You can hardly feed yourself let alone survive without me.”

He laughs, too, but the humor doesn’t reach his core. “Right,” he replies quietly. His gaze shifts to the mocking tattoo on his skin and wonders if Roxas ever received his.

* * *

 

“Focus!”

The words snap him back into focus but not fast enough to avoid the sting of Riku’s staff. The wood cracks hard against his arm and he stumbles backward until he loses all balance and falls solidly onto the matt beneath their feet.

Riku sighs and tosses the staff aside. “Where is your head today, Sora?”

Sora glances up at Riku and has to blink a few times when the image of Riku standing in sweats completely disappears to be replaced by Riku standing in a black, lycra bodysuit, chest emblazoned with a black and red heart. “Uh…”

Another disappointed sigh escapes Riku and he holds out his hand. “Come on, let’s take a break and get something to eat. _Clearly_ , your head isn’t in the game.”

The image doesn’t disappear until he blinks and slowly his eyes glide from Riku’s offered hand to his thick chest sporting the university’s logo. No body suit. No strangely shaped heart. Just normal Riku.

“Sora?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Riku tilts his head and Sora feels his heart patter too hard against his chest. He likes Riku’s hair swept up into a ponytail and how he only seems to be broader than usual. He wishes he wasn’t so small in comparison.

“Yeah,” he lies and accepts his friend’s hand so Riku can pull him to his feet with ease. “I’m fine.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re just trying to placate me?”

Sora rolls his eyes and grabs a towel to dry his face with. They’d been working hard with training and his stomach growls suddenly with an urge to consume anything fattening. The thought of a McFlurry stuffed with M&M’s makes his mouth water. Followed by a juicy cheeseburger. No, a double cheeseburger. Oh, and fries!

God, he’s really hungry.

“I’m fine,” he lies again. “Let’s get food, I’m starved.”

“What do you want?” Riku asks and Sora shivers when Riku’s arm drapes around his shoulders on their casual stroll out of the campus gym.

“Uh, nothing you’d want,” Sora replies. Riku’s not a _health_ _nut_ per se but he also knows Riku’s never been a fan of consuming fast food. Not that the campus food is really any better.

“Let me guess, you want McDonald’s?” Riku asks, the question tapering off into a chuckle. Above Riku’s head, the moon shines and lights his silver hair with a halo. Sora stares up at him and wonders how Riku could be so beautiful and still be friends with someone like him.

“Yeah,” he admits shyly. “We don’t have to.”

“It’s okay,” Riku says. “Let’s go to McDonald’s. My treat.”

“ _Really_?” The immediate smile filling Sora’s face washes away any odd feeling he had earlier in the gym. Must have been the workout tiring his body and mind, nothing more. “Are you actually going to eat something then?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Campus is dark as they cross from the gym which is at the back of the campus to the dorm hall they’ve called home for the past four years. They could have lived in the campus apartments but there are only so many to go around so Riku had shrugged and elected for them to stay in the dorm halls one more year.

 _What’s one more year_? He’d asked and Sora had eventually agreed. At least, the dorm hall had air conditioning.

“I want to change first,” Riku says and then takes off faster than Sora’s ever seen him move so he can beat Sora to the shower.

“Hey!” Sora shouts but laughs while he runs after Riku but everyone knows Riku is faster. He’s one of the fastest guys on campus – you don’t become a track and field star without being fast.

At least with these dorms, they have their own private bathroom instead of a share communal shower room. Riku is already shirtless and about to take off his sweat pants when Sora walks into the room. He almost walks right back out again so he can go and shout at the sky for a while. How dare any deity make Riku so _perfect_.

“You’re staring,” Riku says and Sora realizes he is indeed staring. Not just staring but there’s drool on his chin which he quickly wipes away. “I told you, you can look this good if you quit packing on the chicken nuggets and working out more.”

In response, Sora rolls his eyes and walks over to his bed so Riku doesn’t see him blush bright red.

“I won’t be long,” Riku says which Sora knows to be true. Riku is the fastest showerer he’s ever met.

“Sure,” he says and once the bathroom door clicks shut he finally manages to take off his shirt and pants. He’s sweat soaked all the way down to his underwear which he almost trips out of, dashing to the closet naked so he can find new clothes to wear out.

_It’s not a date, he didn’t ask you on a date, stop panicking. You’re just going to refuel._

_He would never ask you on a date, besides, he likes Naminé_

“Nice butt,” Riku says and Sora startles so badly he almost hits the ceiling. He’d been so preoccupied debating on clothes he hadn’t bothered to pull on underwear. Nor had he heard Riku exit the shower. “But you need pants to be served at McDonald’s.”

Sora dares to glances back over his shoulder and his face heats up when he notes Riku is in a similar state of undress. They’ve been friends long enough this is not the first time they’ve been around each other naked but Sora can feel his entire soul completely expiring and exiting his body as his eyes fall on Riku’s pelvis.

“Get dressed,” Riku says and it sounds a lot like a command.

“Sorry,” he mumbles and yanks on underwear fast and firm. Keeping his eyes on his own closet he ends up with shorts and a t-shirt. It’s hot enough outside there’s no reason for jeans.

“Shorts, huh?” Riku chuckles.

“What’s wrong with shorts?” he snaps and glares, immediately on the defensive. They’re friends – Riku would never make fun of him, at least, not in a truly mean spirited way.

“Nothing,” Riku says quickly while he ties his damp hair back into another ponytail. It’s grown so long now the ponytail end is between his shoulder blades. “Ready to go? You wanna walk or drive?”

Walking will take longer which means they’ll have more time to talk but walking also meant sweating because it’s hot outside. “Walk,” he replies after a pause. Talking to Riku outweighs anything else.

“Walking it is.” Riku grabs his wallet and keys before they head out and Sora does his best _not_ to stare at his best friend’s butt on the way out the door. Except, Riku has well-fitting jeans on and they’re full of holes which he supposes is how he gets away with jeans in this heat wave.

“You’re doing it again,” Riku says and Sora yanks his gaze up and away.

“What else am I supposed to look at? We’re talking,” he snaps, again on the defensive.

“I’m just teasing, Sora,” Riku replies. “You leave your sense of humor at the door?”

A tired sigh escapes him; sometimes it is hard to tell when Riku is being Serious Riku or Joking Riku because they interchange so fast Sora can’t always keep up. “No, you’re just hard to read sometimes.“   _All of the time._

“Sorry.”

They hit pavement and silence falls over them but Sora’s been friends with Riku long enough to know it’s not uncomfortable. There are days where they spend hours not talking to one another and it’s never a bad thing. Sometimes, they talk for hours without stopping. It’s all about give and take.

“You going to the party this weekend?” Sora asks after they cross the street and start down the main road to McDonald’s. Just a few more miles.

“Probably not.”

He’s not even sure why he asked – Riku is _not_ a party person and, really, neither is Sora but he would have gone if Riku was going, too. “Yeah, me neither,” he replies with a dismissive wave.

“Then why did you ask?” Riku asks and there’s suppressed laughter in his tone.

“I don’t know, just curious to see if you were going. Naminé will be there,” he points out and then almost kicks himself for being so stupid.

“She is?” Riku’s silver eyebrows rise in surprise and Sora feels his heart sink as Riku seems to reconsider his previous stance on the party. “Well, maybe it won’t be so dull after all.”

“So, you are going?”

“Maybe.” He shrugs and shoves his hands into his pockets casually. “I might make an appearance.”

_Make an appearance._

Sora could study the dictionary, travel the world, learn cultures, and people watch for decades, and he would still never be as cool as Riku manages to be. Everything Riku does carries little effort and he never makes anything feel lame. People clamber all over themselves to be Riku’s best friend and shine under his radiance.

Sometimes, Sora fears Riku will forget him because, by comparison, he is nothing.

“It probably invites only, anyway,” Sora points out in an attempt to save the weekend.

“I could get one,” Riku replies with more confidence than Sora feels on a daily basis.

“Oh.”

“Why? You wanna come, too?”

“No- just thought we could hang.” He shrugs and kicks a rock casually. It skitters ahead of them down the sidewalk and the golden glow of McDonald’s beckons them onward.

“We ‘hang’ _every_ weekend,” Riku points out.

 _Not true_ , Sora thinks sadly. They used to hang out every weekend but Riku has a lot of new friends. People who pull his attention this and that way. People Sora doesn’t know and knows he probably never will. He misses Riku’s friendship.

“Right, sorry,” Sora mutters.

“Hang out with Roxas,” Riku suggests as if Roxas is some fix-all for the issue looming in the air.

“Yeah, sure.”

They close in on the McDonald’s but by the time they walk inside Sora is neither hungry or intrigued to see if Riku will actually eat a cheeseburger. He orders his usual anyway and is surprised to hear Riku order a Big Mac but when they sit to eat there is no joy in the meal. He picks at his meal and swirls the M&M’s around the soft serve until it’s more of a McFlurry soup.

Riku is on his phone, texting and tapping away with lightning speeds. Sora pulls out his own device to pretend he’s just as busy but he can’t think of anyone to text. He could see if Kairi wants to hang out this weekend but he doesn’t want to impose or bother her, too.

“Ready to go?” Riku asks after he finishes his meal and Sora’s hardly touched his own.

“Yeah, sure,” he replies dully.

“Naminé invited me to the party,” Riku says on the way out. “You could still come if you want. I’m sure she can get you in.”

“No, that’s okay,” Sora mutters. “You go have fun. Can’t always be in your shadow, Riku.”

Riku pauses but Sora misses the look on his face as he walks, head down, hands stuffed away. The rest of the walk back is an uncomfortable silence.

 

* * *

 

“He likes _Naminé_.”

The words travel back toward the front door when Axel walks in after his last class on Friday night. The voice belongs to Sora and Axel notes Roxas’ door is ajar. He almost wants to eavesdrop but there’s no way they hadn’t heard him come in. The front door isn’t exactly quiet and neither are the floors.

“How do you know?” Roxas asks in return.

The _he_ Sora is referring to, Axel assumes, is Riku; Sora’s been pining for his best friend for years and part of Axel wants to walk up to Riku and shake him a few times. Just because _he’s_ pining for Roxas doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be just as miserable.

“He’s going to a party tomorrow,” Sora mumbles. “Instead of hanging out with me, he’s going to some party Naminé invited him to.”

Axel makes his way to the kitchen to grab a soda and slowly pops into Roxas’ doorway to sip obnoxiously. They both startle which is surprising – maybe he had been quieter than he’d thought. “Hey, guys, having man troubles?” Axel asks with a smirk.

“Go away, Axel,” Sora replies which isn’t the reply he expected.

 _Go away_? This is his apartment! “Well, that isn’t very nice,” Axel says slowly. “Where’s Xion?”

“She’s out with Kairi,” Roxas says. “Ax, privacy please?”

“I mean, no offense but shouldn’t Sora be complaining to _me_ since I’m the only one here with romantic inclinations?” Axel asks with a faux air of being casual.

Roxas’ eyes widen a sliver and Sora looks completely confused. For a moment, Axel doesn’t catch on until Sora asks Roxas what he meant. Sora doesn’t know Roxas is aromantic and he’s accidentally spilled a secret Roxas entrusted him to keep. The words are already out there but Axel can feel himself trying to stuff them back down his throat.

“Go _away_ , Axel,” Roxas growls, voice deadly and cold.

This time, Axel quickly steps out of the doorway and goes to hide in his own room. He feels foolish for blabbing his mouth about Roxas’ personal business but since Roxas and Sora are so close he’d figured Roxas would have said something.   _This is why there’s a saying about assuming, you idiot._

He can still hear Roxas and Sora talking, even though their voices are muddled but when he lies back to stare at the ceiling, their voices seem to drift back to him loud and clear.

“So… You don’t have feelings for people?” Sora asks after a pause.

“I like people,” Roxas replies and Axel can see him looking uncomfortable. “I just don’t have feelings like… romantic love or whatever. It doesn’t mean I can’t like someone as a friend but crushes and dating? Stuff like that? I don’t ever feel anything for that kind of stuff.”

“Wow,” Sora gasps. “Kinda wish I could say that… Crushes _suck_.”

Roxas laughs softly. “Sounds like it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not something I like to advertise. People just… don’t get it. They think I’m weird or they think I’m broken… I’m not- I mean, maybe I’m weird and broken but not because of those things.”

Sora snorts. “You’re not weird _or_ broken, Roxas.”

“I am,” Roxas replies quietly. “But it’s not because I’m a demi aro.”

“What’s that mean?” Sora asks and Axel has to give the guy kudos for being curious but not prying.

“I’m demisexual on top of being aromantic… It means I only really want to have sex with someone I really know. Not necessarily have romantic feelings toward just… someone I really trust and know really well.”

“Someone like… Axel?”

Axel’s heart slams up into his throat so fast he almost forgets to breathe while he waits for an answer. Listening to this conversation is probably a bad idea but he can’t stop himself from listening. Did Roxas want to be with him? More than friends?

Roxas snorts and Axel can already feel his hopes crashing and burning. “Axel is a nice guy,” Roxas admits slowly. “But we’re friends. I’m not about to bring sex into it and ruin our friendship.”

 _Ruin it!_ Axel wants to shout through the wall but he bites his tongue.

“Besides,” Roxas continues and Axel can hear the sadness in his voice. “I know Axel _knows_ I’m aro but I’m worried he’ll expect me to feel things I just can’t or won’t feel toward him. I don’t want him to have all of these expectations about us… I don’t want to _date_ but he’ll want to date.”

“Makes sense,” Sora admits quietly. “So, you just need a friend with benefits.”

“Kinda? But more… monogamous? Fuck, I know this doesn’t make sense.”

“No, I get it. You want to be exclusive just not dating, right?” Sora asks. “Like someone you can trust, cuddle, maybe have a sexual relationship with but also not expect you to sweep them off their feet romantically.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Roxas gasps. “Yes, that. _That_. I would kill to have that and I know Axel can’t give me that… Besides, we’re just friends. There’s no way Axel even notices someone like me.”

Axel slowly sits up and wishes he could rush into Roxas’ room to refute everything falling out of his mouth but he can’t because that would mean he would admit to spying. Bad enough he spilled the beans on Roxas’ private business, let alone he’s now listening to a private conversation.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Sora says. “Axel’s so _edgy_ and you’re a toasted marshmallow.”

There is a long silence before he hears an eruption of laughter and commotion. He imagines Roxas beating Sora up with a pillow briefly but the image is quickly replaced by an image of Roxas being his not-boyfriend. The image makes him warm inside but he knows Roxas will never pick him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I give!” Sora giggles. “What if Axel _did_ like you? What would you do then?”

“I wouldn’t do anything,” Roxas replies. “Axel’s nice and he’s attractive but he’s also kinda not my type? He’s… _tall_.”

“You don’t like tall people?” Sora asks with a laugh.

“He’s over a foot taller than me!” Roxas says and Sora laughs harder. “When I first met him I thought he was going to punt me.”

“I _know_ . I feel really short next to him. I mean I _am_ short but Axel’s a giant.”

“And his hair,” Roxas continues and trails off into a chuckle.

“You don’t like his hair?”

“I… like it…” Roxas says slowly which is highly unconvincing. “And I don’t know… He’s nice, he _is_ , but Axel’s also really needy and I just don’t have the energy for that on a deeper level than us being friends. I think he would be too attached to me if I did anything in return for him? I love being his friend and I love being there for him but I think if it was more than it is now, I’d lose my mind.”

Needy. Too tall. Hair.

Axel winces and slowly rolls onto his side to curl up as much into the fetal position as he can on the small bed.

“That sounded mean, didn’t it?” Roxas asks after a beat.

“I get it,” Sora says. “You’re worried he’d be really clingy?”

“Yeah, kinda. But it doesn’t matter, Axel and I are _just_ friends.”

The front door opens, blissfully ending this current conversation, as Xion returns. Roxas calls her to his room and Axel can hear them talking but he tunes them all the way out. His eyes fall onto the clock beside his bed and he manages to completely drift away.

In a blink, Axel realizes the room is dark and the clock is telling him it’s almost ten. The last time he’d checked the time had been just after two in the afternoon. He’d disassociated for eight hours.

Had no one come to check on him?

_Must have thought you were sleeping._

Axel dismisses the feeling of being forgotten but Roxas’ words still plague his mind while he changes into pajamas and slowly leaves his room. Xion, Roxas, and Sora are all in the living room on the couch together in a cuddle pile. Xion is asleep and Roxas is on his phone while Sora’s eyes are glued to the television.

Axel ignores them in favor of going to the kitchen to find remnants of food to eat.

All of his life, he’s dealt with thinking he’s too tall and being made fun of for his height. Even people who were supposed to be his friends made fun of him but never Roxas. Not once had Roxas ever drawn attention to his height or made him feel bad for being well over 6’5”. Not _ever_.

Standing at 6’7”, he is definitely over a foot taller than Roxas and he’s never wanted to cut off his legs at the knees so badly than he does at the moment. Not to mention his apparently ugly hair which only draws further unwanted attention. Lastly, he’s too needy; always needing Roxas’  opinion or to talk to. Maybe this is why he doesn’t have a lot of friends because he’s just too _needy_.

“Hey.”

Roxas.

Axel slowly looks over at him and tries not to feel weak in the knees when he sees Roxas has _his_ Star Wars shirt on which is basically a dress on him. Presumably, he found it in the laundry and just never gave it back. “didn’t mean to wake you,” Axel replies and shuts the fridge, still no food in hand.

“You didn’t, I wasn’t asleep but we need to talk, Axel. What you did earlier was messed up.” Roxas crosses his arms over his chest. “You had no right to just blurt my business like that.”

“I thought you’d told Sora!”

“Well, I hadn’t so next time just assume I haven’t told anyone but you and keep your mouth shut!”

Axel flinches at Roxas yelling at him. “Sorry,” he says immediately. “I’m sorry, Roxas, I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you weren’t,” Roxas agrees. “Just… don’t go talking about _my_ business, okay?”

“Sorry.” The apology comes out like a bad habit. He has a penchant to apologize and never stop because he knows what a pain he can be for anyone involved in his life.

“I forgive you. We ordered pizza if you’re hungry.”

A cold numbness settles over his chest and in his stomach, taking root, and immediately banishing any rumblings of hunger. “I’m not,” he replies.

“Oh, okay.” Roxas shrugs. “We good?”

 _No_ , he thinks but out loud he affirms. “Yes, we’re good, Rox.”

“ _Good_.”

“Riku is going to a party tomorrow?” Axel asks slowly on his way back to his room.

“Yeah, it’s at Naminé’s sorority house, why?”

“No reason. Good night.”

“…Night.”

Axel slowly walks back to his bedroom and leans solidly back against the closed door. He hasn’t partied in six years, at least, not the kind of partying done at a frat house but his tired heart calls for him to forget.

 

* * *

 

 _You should just go to the party_.

Kairi’s advice chases him down the sidewalk as he walks casually down Greek Row and pretends he has no intentions of walking up to the sorority house. Ironically, Roxas came with him and is leaning back against a tree just waiting for Sora to make up his mind. He doesn’t like feeling trapped into a decision but he also wants to see Riku.

“Am I being crazy?” Sora asks Roxas.

“I think you’re upset and jealous,” Roxas replies bluntly. “You’re jealous of Riku and you’re jealous of Naminé’ because that’s who he came to hang out with and not you.”

Sora’s fists clench and he feels his lip push out into a pathetic pout. “I’m not jealous of Riku,” he fumbles.

“You are, too. You’re jealous of how popular he is and how things seem to just come easily to him.”

He hates how right Roxas is and how he can be so blatant and blunt about everything. “Well, just so you know, I saw Axel walk into that house a while ago so-.”

“He _what_?”

“You didn’t see him go in? Giant guy, red hair, you can’t miss him?”

Roxas stammers and gapes like a fish which is almost funny but Sora is too annoyed himself to laugh. “We have to go in, Axel doesn’t do well with alcohol.”

“What does that mean?” Sora asks but Roxas is already pulling him inside.

The sorority house is crowded from wall to wall, full of students grinding on one another, a group of fraternity brothers playing some drinking game, and everything smells like perfume and alcohol. Sora wrinkles his nose at the combination of scents and quickly sneezes afterward. Roxas pays him no mind, disappearing into the crowd to find Axel which Sora assumes can’t be difficult considering Axel is taller than literally everyone at the party.

Meanwhile, Sora’s eyes scan the party for a flash of silver hair but there is no sign of Riku even though he knew Riku had left for the party thirty minutes before him. Someone offers him a drink which he takes but doesn’t down – if nothing else, he can hold the cup and look as if he belongs here.

Sora fights through the crowd, squeezing, and ducking around people until he finally makes it all the way to the backyard where the party is certainly less condensed. The night air is thick with humidity which makes breathing a little harder and he suddenly wishes he had an emergency inhaler; he hasn’t had to use one in years but his doctor always prescribes one _just in case_.

The night sky twinkles with distant stars but they’re mostly invisible due to light pollution. Homesickness strikes him then and he suddenly wishes they could all return to the island right now and stare at the night sky together. His eyes move around the backyard until he finally spots Riku’s hair. He’s sitting with Naminé on the grass and they’re talking, their backs to him. Squaring his shoulders, he starts to storm up to them until he’s within earshot and he can hear their conversation and it makes him stop, frozen in his tracks.

“You know, I’m glad I came out here with you,” Riku is saying. “It’s nice to get away from…”

“Sora?” Naminé asks and Sora feels his heart drop.

“Everything,” Riku says diplomatically but Sora knows better. “I don’t think he means to be as possessive as he is but he didn’t want me to come here tonight.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I don’t get it. I should ask him but he’s so sensitive, I don’t want to cause an unnecessary fight.”

Naminé shakes her head and ties her blonde hair up into a ponytail and he notes Riku’s head turning to look at her, eyes down on her neck. “He’s jealous, I guess.”

“Jealous? Of who?” Riku asks and there’s laughter in his voice.

“Me.”

“You? Why?”

Naminé looks at Riku and Sora feels embarrassment choking him and forcing him to stand and watch his own death. “Because he likes you, Riku. As more than a friend. He likes you and he’s jealous of anyone who may like you, too.”

Tears fill Sora’s eyes as he remembers he told Kairi his secret in confidence but she must have told Naminé or maybe he really is just a stupid, dumb, obvious idiot. Telling Kairi had been difficult but she’d not relented until he finally admitted to having a crush on Riku. Now to have it spilled like a cut wound is a fate worse than death. It doesn’t help when Riku laughs.

 _Laughs_.

“More than friends? I think you’re crazy, Naminé, Sora and I are just-.”

“He _likes_ you,” Naminé insists. “Kairi told me.”

“Kairi told you?”

“She probably shouldn’t have but she was wanting advice on what to do… She thought she should tell you but I guess she never did,” Naminé says slowly.

He should walk away but he’s glued to his spot, staring at them, and listening to this wreck of a conversation. Maybe part of him wants to know how much Riku _doesn’t_ want him in return so he can finally put his feelings to rest. Maybe another part of him wants to know if Riku likes him back and he can maybe make a move. Maybe he’s just a masochist.

Riku looks away and stares up at the sky, silence slowly following the conversation. “Sora and me, huh? But you said he’s jealous of someone who may like me, do you like me, too?”

It’s Naminé’s turn to laugh and Sora realizes he can’t hear anymore. He doesn’t want to know if Naminé likes him and he doesn’t want to know if Riku likes her back. He’s sure he’ll find out later when Riku comes home. Tears burn his eyes and they run down his face but he storms out of the yard and back to the dorm hall, Roxas and Axel forgotten.

He tears his phone from his pocket to text Kairi, his eyes falling on a friendship bracelet they’d all given one another as kids. He still wore his even though Riku claims to have lost his and Kairi keeps hers in a jewelry box. He wants to throw it in the dirt but he texts instead.

_S: You told Naminé about my feelings for Riku? Why would you do that??_

_K: Oh… Sora… I’m sorry, I wanted her advice! I thought Riku liked you back, I’m so sorry. Did she say something to you?_

_S: I’m never telling you anything ever again._

_K: Sora, I’m sorry! Come over, we can talk._

_S: No_

He doesn’t owe her a conversation so he stuffs his phone back away and passes the dorms entirely in favor of storming off to the gym. Not dressed for working out but the thought doesn’t really matter. The gym is 24/7 access with student ID’s so Sora scans the ID to be allowed inside. The gym is empty which is even better. His eyes fall onto the weights and he wants to push his body to the limit but without a spotter he’d be putting himself at risk and he isn’t that depressed.

His phone buzzes desperately but he continues to ignore Kairi in favor of jumping onto the treadmill to start running. The rush of running would help him forget everything he just heard and all of the humiliation going hand in hand.

If only he could make Riku forget.

The treadmill keeps him focused until his lungs, legs, and ribs ache and he has to shut the machine down to calm the racing of his heart. Oxygen escapes his lungs faster than he can gain it and for a moment the world is woozy but he manages to cough and take a few more needed breaths. He has no idea the time or how long he ran or if he can even walk back to the dorm.

The clock on the gym wall states it’s after midnight so Sora stumbles from the gym and out into the night hair. He needs water and a bed but for now, he accepts the cooler night air on his sweat-soaked skin. He wonders if Riku and Namine kissed or if they laughed at him some more? Probably kissed and then stretched out on the grass together to mock him for being completely asinine.  

The walk back to the dorm feels a lot like a walk of shame even if he’s never had one of those himself he’s fairly certain this is what it must feel like. The hallway lights are dimmed and Sora waves at the RA station where two are sitting on their night shift on his way through the main doors to his hallway.

 _Please, just don’t be home_ , he thinks while shoving his key into the lock to open the door quietly just in case Riku _is_ home and asleep. The room is dark so Sora creeps forward and feels along the wall for his own belongings so he doesn’t trip on anything. He’s about to find the bed when the door opens and the light floods on so fast he yelps and falls forward flat onto his face.

“Oh, Sora,” Riku says. “Uh- are you okay?”

“Super,” he grumbles before managing to brace himself against the bed so he can stand. He glances back at Riku and is unsurprised to see Naminé at his side. His heart crumbles further. “Didn’t realize you’d have company.”

“Uh… Can we talk in the hallway?” Riku asks and Sora sighs. He already knows where this conversation going and he has no energy to walk all the way to Roxas’ apartment tonight.

“If you want me to leave so you can get laid the answer is _no_ ,” he says as soon as the door is shut and they’re alone in the hall.

Riku pinches the bridge of his nose. “First of all, that is not what we’re doing. Secondly, I wasn’t going to ask that, I just…”

“What?” he asks, so tired he can hardly keep his eyes completely open or stand upright.

“Are you alright? Have you been drinking? I thought you were with Roxas?”

Sora leans into the wall and feels his eyes fall completely shut, his chin immediately dropping against his chest. Riku’s hands on his shoulders, voice genuinely concerned bring him back.

“Sora! Hey, what is wrong with you?”

“Tired,” he mumbles, the physical exertion really wiping him out.

“I see that… Come on.” Riku sighs and Sora can tell he’s annoyed which only makes him retreat further inside an old shell he used to wear. “Naminé, I’m sorry, can we do this later?”

“Sure, Riku.”

“Uh, I can walk you home,” Riku says quickly while he helps Sora to bed first. “You, stay here. I’ll be back, I’m going to walk Naminé home.”

Sora doesn’t open his eyes or reply partially because he’s too tired and partially because he doesn’t want to. The last sound he hears is the door opening and closing again.

* * *

 

“Another?” someone asks him and he accepts the shot without thinking or asking. The alcohol burns on the way down but Axel throws his head back and the crowd cheers as if his ability to take four shots in a row is some form of achievement. The world is fuzzy and dark around the edges but he’s already forgotten why he had been so upset to come here in the first place so the plan is working.

“Axel.”

Oh. Right. He remembers now.

Slowly, Axel turns around and sees Roxas staring up at him with a stubborn glare on his face, looking disappointed and annoyed. Drunk Axel doesn’t care. “ _Rox_ ,” he says with a smile. “You came to the party.”

“I didn’t come to the party _for_ the party. I came here because you’re drinking,” Roxas says and points to the empty shot glass in his hand. “You don’t drink.”

“Used to,” he reminds Roxas and accepts another shot passed into his hand but Roxas takes it. “Hey!”

“Axel, stop. This isn’t like you.”

But it is like him – _just_ like him, in fact.

Old Axel would have partied all night and passed out on the floor somewhere. He can still remember Demyx egging him on, followed by a look of amusement from Marluxia. He can remember everything, down to the last detail of passing blackout drunk on the floor. This is the old him – an old Axel he hasn’t let loose in years because… because…

Roxas.

The shot slides out of his hand and it crashes to the floor while he stares at Roxas’ disappointed face. “Roxas…”

“If this is how you’re going to be, after all of the work I put into you…” Roxas shakes his head and turns to go which makes Axel’s heart seize in panic.

“Roxas!” He reaches out to grab onto Roxas’ shoulder but being drunk he doesn’t have the same grace and ends up falling, taking Roxas down with him.

They both tumble to the floor with Axel heavily on top of Roxas and he can hear Roxas gasp as the air is knocked out of his lungs. Panic and fear make him utter apologies over and over while he tries to right them both on their knees so he’s no longer crushing Roxas. He’s too tall. Big. Roxas doesn’t like that about him.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Axel says over and over like it’s his final prayer.

Roxas turns to look at him and at first, he appears annoyed but then his face softens and he reaches out to touch Axel’s cheeks. He’s surprised to see Roxas’ fingers come back wet. He’s crying.

“Axel,” Roxas says softly. “It’s okay. Let’s go home.”

Feeling suddenly sober long enough to stand up on his own, Axel helps Roxas upright and they leave the sorority house together. The sidewalk feels extraordinarily far away but he manages to keep in a mostly straight line – probably because Roxas is there to help keep him upright.

“Why did you do it?” Roxas asks while they walk. “Drink like this again? I thought you were over that life.”

“I am,” he replies, his voice surprisingly serious even for him.

“Then why?”

He could tell Roxas the truth but telling the truth would mean he would have to admit to listening to a private conversation. Not that the walls were very thick in their apartment. He knows that too well.

“Axel. Talk to me, don’t shut down.”

Maybe he is shutting down. Maybe he’s drowning because he never really learned how to swim on his own. He’s always been co-dependent. First with Saïx and now with Roxas.

Saïx.

A name and face he hasn’t wanted to think on in a long time but has been plaguing his thoughts recently. He doesn’t want to dwell but he wonders where Saïx has gone; is he still with Organization XIII? Is he still Xemnas’ pet?

“Axel!”

Axel stops dead on the sidewalk and slowly looks down at Roxas. Does Roxas remember? Can he remember? Where is his tattoo? Member thirteen. He doesn’t realize he’s panicking until his breath comes in short spurts through his nose and Roxas is telling him to sit down on the ground.

“Axel, it’s alright,” Roxas whispers, cupping his face in his hands. “You’re safe. You’re fine. This is why you don’t drink, remember?”

Oh, yes, he remembers now. He remembers too much. He remembers how Saïx pulled him into Organization XIII – cult, gang, whatever – branded him with a numbered tattoo and used him up. _He_ recruited Roxas, dragging a sixteen-year-old kid into their mess but his friendship with Roxas guided him out of the hell hole he’d managed to crawl into. Roxas saved him.

Did Roxas remember any of it?

Six years later and he’s not sure Roxas holds any memories of their time in Organization XIII.

There’s something else, too – something he can’t quite bring to fruition in his mind. Shadow and darkness swirling around a whitewashed door. Portals, men in hooded cloaks. Axel blinks and presses his palms to his eyes.

“Ax?” Roxas places a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, look at me. You’re okay. It’s okay. Let’s count together. Right? Ready?”

He shakes his head in denial because all he can see are men in black hooded coats.

“One… Two… Three… C’mon, Axel, count with me,” Roxas prompts and pulls his hands down until they’re safely in Roxas’. “Please?”

On an exhale in, Axel mutters, “ _One_ ,” but cannot form another word as the images of the men in coats won’t leave. He doesn’t know who they are and yet they’re so familiar, like a lucid dream he can’t quite hold onto.

“Good, keep going,” Roxas says softly. “Two…”

“ _Two_ ,” he forces out in a shaking whisper.

“Good,” Roxas praises. “Three…”

“Three.”

“Four.”

“ _Four_.”

“Five.”

“Fi-five-.” His gaze focuses behind Roxas just over his left shoulder and he notes a pair of black boots. He slowly looks up and stares into golden eyes framed by an x-shaped scar. _He’s not real. You’re imagining him. Pull it together, Axel_.

Roxas’ fingers and hands pet his hair, pushing the braids which have fallen free of the ponytail back out of his face. “You’re okay, you’re safe. It’s just the two of us right now. Can you walk the rest of the way home? Xion has a movie on. We can sleep together in the living room and have sea salt ice cream.”

“I heard you,” he admits finally. “I heard what you said about me to Sora.”

“What I said…?”

“About how I was _too tall_ and- and my hair- you don’t like my hair-.”

Roxas’ face falls and he looks down in shame. “You heard that?” he whispers.

“Yeah… I heard that… Sorry, I shouldn’t have eavesdropped.”

“I’m really sorry, Axel. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Said I was needy,” he continues, eyes dropping to where Roxas is still holding his hands. They’re no longer shaking. “You’re probably right.”

“I never should have said those things,” Roxas says firmly, hands squeezing tightly. “I didn’t mean what I said. I mean, I know Sora was asking about us- but we’re friends and we’re only friends, right? You don’t… _feel_ that way about me?”

Every part of him is screaming to admit his feelings but knowing Roxas doesn’t like him, probably doesn’t want the hassle of even thinking about having any form of a relationship with him, he holds his tongue. “Right, we’re just friends.”

“Okay…” Roxas nods once. “I am _sorry_ I hurt you. I think your hair is fun- there’s a lot of it but I like it.. .and you’re not _too_ tall. I’m sorry I made you feel bad about it, I know it’s a sensitive topic.”

“I want to believe you.” They need to stand up and keep walking, Xion is waiting for them.

“But you don’t,” Roxas finishes. “I don’t blame you for not believing me, Axel. I’ll do what I can to make you trust me again.”

 _Trust_.

He’d trusted Roxas years ago to help free him from hell – they’d done it together but how much did Roxas remember? He doesn’t want to pry or poke the wall. So he doesn’t.

“We should go,” he finally says.

“Yeah. Xion is waiting.”

“Yes,” Axel agrees, eyes still downcast. “Xion is waiting.”


	2. Chapter 2

Morning comes with enough sunlight to be rude and there is no escaping when Riku takes the pillow off of his face. He groans, squinting up at his friend. He hadn’t even heard Riku return last night he’d been instantly asleep. All night, he’d dreamt of strange black creatures and swords resembling keys.

None of it made sense.

“Hey,” Riku says slowly. “You okay? What happened last night?”

Sora stares up at Riku silently and debates on telling him but maybe it would be stupid to tell him so he holds his tongue. “I went to work out, must have overdone it.”

Riku sighs and rolls his eyes. “Sora, what have I told you about overdoing it? You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Sorry, Riku.” Sora sits up slowly and feels every muscle in his body scream with a deep ache. “Did you and Naminé have a good time last night?”

Riku’s cheeks turn surprisingly red and he rubs the back of his neck. “We just… hung out.”

Sora snorts and slowly places his feet on the floor as he manages to sit up. “Yeah, right.”

“What are you implying?”

“You two came back here late at night. You didn’t want to just  _ hang out _ .”

“Hey,” Riku snarls and grabs Sora’s shoulder so tightly he can feel the preemptive bruise forming. “Don’t talk about her like that. There’s nothing going on between Naminé and I. Why do you care anyway?”

Sora frowns at the last question because it feels like a trap. Did Riku want him to admit he has feelings for him so he can make him feel bad? He’s never had an easy time talking about his feelings for anyone and most definitely not Riku or guys in general. Of course, there’s never been a guy quite like Riku.

Maybe he’s just into Riku and only Riku.

“I don’t care,” he snaps. “I just think it’s rude for you to be bringing girls home without at least asking me about it.”

“I didn’t think you’d  _ be _ home. I thought you were with Roxas!”

“You could have texted me.” Sora stands and shoves Riku out of his way so he can go to the bathroom and shower in peace even though his muscles are telling him to return to bed.  _ Rest, rest, rest, _ they yell.

“Sora!”

“I’m going to shower so unless you want to stand in the bathroom and argue some more?” Sora asks even though he knows at this point he’s just being a stubborn jerk and should probably apologize. Riku’s face is a mask of surprise but Sora doesn’t comment on it, only grabs clean clothes and locks the bathroom door in his wake.

He leaves the bathroom light off and decides to shower in the dark, letting the hot water wash over his sore and tired body. Part of him wants Riku to still be in the room when he exits the shower but another part of him wants Riku to be gone. Nothing good could come of any conversation they may or may not have in the next few hours.

Either he will accidentally admit to hearing their conversation or he will admit to liking Riku which he’s not sure which is worse. Riku clearly doesn’t like him, hell, maybe not even as friends. Tears sting down his cheeks but they are quickly lost in the rush of water from the shower. By the time he’s walking out in clean clothes, he finds Riku up in his lofted bed, nested under a blanket, book in hand.

They say nothing.

The silence drags on while Sora lies in bed and scrolls through Facebook. Kairi posted photos of her and Naminé from today, smiling, and blushing. They must be at the zoo. He slowly sits up, however, when he notes Kairi’s newest status.

_ In a relationship _

With who?? And why hadn’t she told him?

Did Riku know?

Flipping to his messages, Sora scours them but the only ones from Kairi are from last night and her wanting to talk. Ignoring those, he immediately taps out a new message.

_ S: In a relationship? With who?  _

_ K: Sora! Hi _

_ S: Hi _

_ K: Uh lol I’m with Naminé _

_ S: I know I saw your photos but who are you in a relationship with? Is it that guy from your lit class? _

There is a pause while Kairi is typing but then she stops and Sora sighs. He hates when she takes a moment to reply to him.

_ K: No, you idiot. I’m with Naminé. She’s my gf _

_ S: What?!!!! _

_ K: I thought Riku would have told you? Lol he was right there when Naminé asked me out _

_ S: When??? _

_ K: Last night? It was kind of late maybe you were asleep _

Sora’s eyes flick over to Riku where he’s still diligently reading and completely ignoring him. He even notes Riku has his earbuds in meaning he wouldn’t hear him anyway.

_ S: We’re fighting _

_ K: Why? What happened? _

_ S: I said something stupid _

_ K: Lol what else is new? _

_ S: Hey! _

_ K: I’m really sorry I told your secret to Naminé, I really was just trying to help _

_ S: Why would you even tell Riku anyway? I mean it’s not really his business. _

_ K: Sora -__- you really don’t know, do you? Why are you so dense literally all the time? _

_ S: :P _

_ K: Last night Riku stopped by my place with Naminé and asked me out because she and Riku decided to kiss. It was kind of a test for both of them. They both failed lol _

_ S: I have no idea what you’re talking about _

Test? What kind of test? He really hates when Kairi talks in riddles because he’s never been one for word games or puzzles. He just wants the honest truth and answer. Naminé and Riku kissed last night. Had they come here to kiss? Make out? This is headache inducing.

_ K: Sora, Riku is gay  _

_ S: … _

_ S: No _

_ K: Yes. He asked Naminé if they could kiss because he wasn’t really sure and she wasn’t either and then they did and it was like a giant confirmation of yeah, they’re both gay _

_ S: And you…? _

_ K: I like both teams I’m not picky but I really like Naminé _

_ S: He’s… into boys… _

_ K: Yes lol boys like you, silly _

_ K: Ask him out, I bet he’d say yes _

Sora’s eyes fly up to look at Riku and he tries to picture Riku being with a guy. He’d never really seen Riku with anyone at all; he’s so private and quiet with his mind on the prize – graduation with highest honors – Riku’s never come across as someone who has time for relationships. His heart is pounding hard and heavy in his chest and his palms start to sweat.

Maybe he has a chance with Riku.

The realization is sweat-inducing but he also knows, deep down, Riku would never want to date someone like him. He’s an impulsive idiot and Riku is a thorough planner. Sometimes, he has no idea how they’re even functioning friends. Besides, they’re fighting and they fight  _ all _ of the time.

_ S: He wouldn’t _

_ K: How do you know? _

_ S: because it’s Riku and I’m me. I’m not his type. _

_ K: You don’t know Riku’s type though _

Okay, she has a point. He has no idea what Riku’s type is and for all he knows maybe Riku’s madly in love with him. Maybe Riku’s into idiots.

_ K: Maybe he’s morosexual lol  _

_ S: What does that mean? _

_ K: Lol! I’m joking kinda _

_ S: Kairi _

_ K: It means he’s into guys dumber than him _

_ K: But I’m kidding! _

Sora’s shoulders slump and, yes, Riku has more intellectual power than he does but having it stated in a text is way worse than having it in his mind. He slowly slumps back down on the bed and rolls over so his back is to Riku.

_ K: Sora I’m sorry that was mean  _

_ S: It’s true _

_ K: It is not true! You’re plenty smart _

_ S: It’s ok Kairi I know I’m dumb _

_ K: Sora… _

_ S: I’m gonna go back to sleep have a good date _

_ K: Sora I’m sorry _

He shoves his phone under his pillow and keeps his back to Riku but his mind starts to wander as he wonders if Riku really is maybe into him. The likelihood is extremely low, all things considered, but the fantasy of going on a date with Riku has never felt closer to reality. If Riku was going to date anyone, it would be someone good looking, tall, and fit. Not someone like him.

He’s none of those things.

“Sora.”

A sigh escapes but he manages to roll over to see Riku climbing down off of the bed and grabbing shoes. “What?”

“Hungry?”

“Yeah.”

“Then get up, let’s go get lunch.”

“I’m sore,” he moans but Riku gives him a look which tells Sora he could care less so the decision is already made. Either he goes with Riku to have lunch or he goes hungry. Some pal.

Rolling his eyes, Sora drags his tired frame out of bed and throws on a pair of shoes he can slip on bare feet. They head out together, Riku busily tying his hair up into a ponytail and smelling too good. Seriously, who gave him the right to smell so amazing?

“Sorry about earlier,” Sora decides to start out while they walk in another uncomfortable silence. There’s even distance between them as if Riku has a barrier around his entire being to keep him at bay.

“For what?”

“For being rude, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have implied all of that stuff.”

Riku glances over at him but Sora looks away quickly, eyes dropping to the sidewalk in shame.

“There’s nothing going on between us,” Riku says again firmly. “Just get that right.”  

“Sorry.”

Riku holds the door for him which Sora supposes is better than Riku allowing it to slam shut in his face. They head upstairs to spend too much on a mediocre lunch but Riku quickly goes to the salad bar while Sora goes to see how many pastries are left. Eating his feelings has become a terrible habit but he fills a plate full of leftover pastries from breakfast before sitting by a window. Riku, of course, returns with a plate full of healthy food.

“You shouldn’t eat that garbage,” Riku says immediately but Sora stuffs a pastry into his mouth so he doesn’t have to say anything in return. He’s used to the food shaming coming from Riku. “But I know, I know, you’ll eat it anyway.”

Yes, he would eat it anyway, especially when he’s torn on how to feel. On one hand, he could tell Riku his real feelings and be completely humiliated or on the other hand, he could let the secret fester in his chest and poison his heart until it prunes and shrinks.

He’s not sure which is a worse fate.

How bad can not having a heart really be, anyway?

“You okay?” Riku asks and Sora realizes he’s just sitting and not eating. “You’re acting so weird lately. Ever since I came back from the party.”

“It’s nothing,” he replies and pushes the rest of his pastries away, having only eaten half of one. Hunger is a dead priority.

“You’re not eating. Okay, seriously, Sora…”

“I’m fine, Riku.” Before Riku can argue, he stands up and leaves in a hurry. Riku could very well come after him but he hopes Riku lets him go. He has no further energy to go another few rounds.

The soreness in his legs means he doesn’t make it far and ends up sitting in the student lounge on the first floor, eyes on the window outside. The weather is nice with bright, blue skies, hardly any clouds, and students outside playing casual sports together. Shortly after he sits down, Riku is downstairs with him and sitting right at his side.

Maybe he should have accounted for Riku’s genuine concern.

“Sora,” Riku says and holds out a yellow, star-shaped fruit.

The paopu fruit.

They grow in abundance on their island back home but he didn’t realize they were also on the mainland. He slowly accepts the fruit and feels his face turn bright red. Legend has it if two people share the fruit their destinies will be entwined forever. He slowly looks up into Riku’s startlingly blue eyes and feels his entire world tip over.

“Riku-.”

“Did Kairi tell you? She probably did, right? That’s why you’ve been acting weird around me.” Riku sighs and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand looking embarrassed.

“Tell me what?”

“About me… Right?”

Right, Riku doesn’t know Sora knows they share the same attraction to men.

“I figured she would tell you,” Riku says slowly. “In fact, I was kind of counting on it because it’s easier for me to hear other people say it than for me to say it… I don’t know why. I’m not  _ ashamed _ . It’s just new.”

Sora swallows and slowly accepts the offered fruit, staring down at the yellow skin. “She said you were gay, yeah.”

“Look, that doesn’t  _ change _ anything about me-.”

“I know, Riku,” Sora replies quietly. “That’s not why I’m acting… off.”

“Then what’s wrong? Talk to me. We’re friends, we share everything.”

Not everything.

“I can’t,” he whispers, eyes tearing up which is as frustrating as it is relieving.

“Why?” Riku asks. His usually serious voice is soft and gentle. Only for him does Riku turn off the persona he wears at all times.

“ _ Because _ it’ll just make you angry or uncomfortable or whatever- I just can’t!” Wiping the tears away angrily only seems to summon more and in the end, he hides his face in his hands instead.

“Sora…” Riku slides his hand over to rub his back. “You’re my best friend. I’m listening.”

The debate to tell Riku finally wins out and he’s ready to admit everything when a group of guys come in and immediately walk over to talk to Riku. At first, Riku tries to dismiss them but they’re insistent on him coming outside to play a game of Frisbee since he’s the best at the game. Sora turns his eyes away and feels a wall shoot up around his already aching heart.

“We can talk later,” he tells Riku even though there is no intention to talk about this ever again.

“Are you sure…?” Riku asks and he can see his friend being pulled in too many directions.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s dumb. Just go.”

Riku looks as if he’s ready to argue but the guys are grabbing his arm to pull him away and Sora remains silent on the couch. The lounge empties and he’s left alone, eyes trailing after Riku and his friends heading outside. Across the quad, he can see Axel and Roxas walking together or maybe it’s Ven and Axel. From this distance, he can only be sure he’s looking at Axel.

Yes, it would be better to be without a heart.

Without a heart, he can’t feel anything at all and in the end, it would be better.

 

* * *

 

“Do you feel better?”

The question is innocent but also debatable. He woke up with his head in the toilet and he’s been exhausted and queasy ever since with a hangover worse than death. Knowing this, however, did not stop him from following Roxas across campus to go and watch Xion’s practice at the stables. She has a dressage show coming up and wants to practice for them. She also told him to stay home but he wouldn’t miss his friend’s events, even just practice events, for the world.

“I feel like trash piled on top of a garbage heap,” Axel replies while holding the door to the stable for Roxas.

“And now you remember why you don’t drink.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it.”

Close to dawn, Axel distinctly remembers vowing to never drink again – even the thought of alcohol makes his stomach nauseated. He doesn’t drink because he’s no longer twenty-one and hangovers are actual agony but he pushes through the pain to follow Roxas to a practice ring so they can watch. He tries to dismiss how the smell makes him green around the gills as Xion rides out on the blackest horse Axel’s ever seen.

The beast is much larger than Xion but she leads him into the ring with such finesse and ease. Every movement is graceful and mind-blowing. He stares, completely enamored until the smell is too much and he has to excuse himself before he loses what little snack he managed to choke down on the floor.

The air outside is hot but it’s better than hot air plus horse smell. Roxas eventually joins him and he hopes Xion doesn’t feel left behind. He can’t ever leave a friend behind.

“Is Xion okay?” Axel asks when Roxas appears at his side.

“She’s fine. She finished and told me to check on you.” Roxas shrugs and puts his hands into his pockets. “So, I’m checking on you.”

“Heh.” Axel chuckles and leans back against the side of the barn. “I’m  _ fine _ .”

“You’re hungover because you’re an idiot.”

Ah, leave it to Roxas to tear the rug out from under his feet by being blunt. “Thanks, Rox. Glad to hear that.”

“I’m just disappointed in you, Axel,” Roxas says and shakes his head sadly. “I know you did it because you were upset but that doesn’t excuse you. If you’re upset you go to the store, buy a pint of ice cream, and watch a sappy film. You don’t go out and get completely trashed, dance on tables, and worry your friends.”

He wants to snap and point out he’s twenty-six years old and doesn’t need someone four years younger than him telling him what to do but he holds back the vitriol. Roxas is only concerned and probably Xion, too.

“Are we done?” Axel asks and the edge of vitriol and snark he’d been feeling manages to sneak in.

“I don’t know, are you done making excuses and ready to admit you were wrong?” Roxas demands which sounds a lot like an accusation. He doesn’t like being accused or hung out to dry like this.

“What happened to you trying to help me trust you again?” he demands, voice just as sharp as Roxas’.

“Just because I want you to trust me, doesn’t mean I’m going to support every one of your stupid decisions, and I know there might be a lot of them but this one is Supreme Stupid.” Roxas folds his arms over his chest and the blue of his eyes turns to ice.

Axel recoils back at the insult and feels the thorns growing around his heart tighten and squeeze. Everything hurts lately. A shadow behind Roxas makes his gaze drift over and for a moment he believes he’s staring at a black monster but it’s only a dog. A black dog passing through the barn.

He needs to sleep.

“Sorry,” he finally says. It is easiest to apologize. “I’ll leave.”

“Axel-.”

“I wouldn’t want my  _ stupidity _ to get in your way today, Roxas,” he spits coldly before turning to storm off. His feelings are crushed but he won’t stand around to let Roxas walk all over him some more. He made a mistake but it doesn’t mean he’s going to keep making the same ones.

Yes, he’s an idiot but he also doesn’t need his supposedly  _ best friend _ to remind him he’s a complete moron. Roxas and Xion probably wonder what they see in him – wheels, he supposes. He has a car, he’s older, he has slightly more money than them. He’s convenient; the ice cream supplier, the goofy idiot they can laugh at, and probably spend their whole day mocking in secret.

The walk back to the apartment is a lonely one and it leaves him alone with thoughts of hooded figures and black monsters. He has no idea what any of it means or why the members of Organization XIII keep crossing his mind. Forgetting about them is easier but they won’t stay dead no matter how many times he kills them from memory.

“Ah, the infamous Axel, it’s been a long time,” a voice croons to him as he is about to pass the campus center in favor of taking the path to the apartment.

A voice he knows but can’t completely place.

Axel spins around and feels his heart surge in fear but there is no one there. “Hello?” he calls but he’s alone. The campus center is fairly deserted with only a few people on the quad. No close enough to call his name and hold a conversation.

Suspicious of whatever he’d consumed last night, Axel slowly resumes walking back to the apartment. No other voices call out to him on the way. Deciding to blame it on the hangover, he leaves the door unlocked so Xion and Roxas can get in easily before going to crash face first on the mattress. Maybe sleep will do him good.

“Axel.”

This time the voice is so close he startles and flips himself off the bed, rolling to the floor with a grunt. His hand reaches for a weapon that isn’t there but as soon as he flips himself onto his back his feet come up to kick whoever is about to attack him. There is no rationality as to why he expects an attack but there is nothing there – just air.

This is not the hangover.

Panic slips beneath the skin and turns his innards inside out. Axel pulls himself to his feet and checks every nook and cranny of the apartment; under the sink, behind the shower curtain, under every bed, in each closet, behind the couch, under the couch, in the fridge and freezer, and behind the television.

There is no one else here beside him.

“You’re hearing things, just relax, you’re fine,” he says to the empty room. “It’s just you.”

“Axel!”

The voice belongs to Saïx.

“Saïx?” he calls even though rationally he knows Saïx cannot be in the apartment. He’s alone.

“Axel! Come back!”

_ Come back _ ? Come back from  _ where _ ?

The voice chases him back to his room where his legs guide him to the closet to start tearing through boxes. Something tells him to look here – to look here but he doesn’t know what he’s looking for.

_ You will know when you see. _

“See what?” he whispers but his hands finally hit the bottom of a box and his fingers slowly wrap around fabric he doesn’t quite recognize but in his heart, he knows what he is about to pull free of the box. “No.”

“Axel! Come back!”

“No,” he begs quietly but his arms pull up until a long, hooded black coat is pulled free of the box. The coats from his dreams and hallucinations. “ _ No _ .”

In the corner of the closet, Axel notes there are glowing eyes staring back at him, yellow, and sharp. They belong to a black monster with no face and small legs.  _ Heartless.  _ He doesn’t know where the word comes from or what it means but when he blinks the enemy disappears. Shaking hands drop the coat back into the box and he quickly stuffs it away before burying the box underneath other boxes and fallen clothing. It isn’t real – none of it is real. The men in the hooded cloaks, the monsters in the dark-.

“You’re safe,” he tells himself while rising to his feet to flee the closet. The front door opens and shuts; he can hear Xion and Roxas milling around in the front of the apartment. “You’re safe.”

“Axel?” This time the voice belongs to Xion and she lightly knocks on his door. “Hi, we brought- are you alright?”

He’s vaguely aware he must look completely shaken, standing in the middle of his room, pale, and shaking. “I’m fine,” he says quietly. “Just thought I heard something.”

“Oh, well, Roxas and I brought home some food if you want to come help yourself.”

“Food?”

“Right, the kind you consume for energy particles?” she teases with a soft smile. “You should eat, even hungover.”

“Right. Food.” He slowly turns on his heel to start toward the door but Xion remains in the way. “What?”

“Roxas told me about your fight,” she says quietly. “I don’t think he meant it the way it sounded, Axel. You’re not stupid.”

_ Wrong _ , he wants to tell her but he smiles big instead. “It’s okay, Xion. I’m starving, what did you guys bring to eat?”

Xion returns his smile and they both walk toward the dining room table which is already crowded with backpacks, books, and papers from classes none of them ever want to take again. Roxas is unpacking takeout boxes from the Chinese place down the street.  _ Panda House _ or something – Axel knows it’s good.

“Axel,” Roxas addresses him slowly and unsure while holding out a carton of fried rice. “I’m really sorry for yelling at you like that.”

A peace offering.

Axel accepts the food and eagerly pops open the container. Everything is hot and smells delicious. “It’s okay, Rox, you were right. I’m dumb and I make bad decisions. I won’t do it again.”

“But you’re not-.”

“It’s okay. Really. Let’s just eat.” He snatches up a container of chicken to go with the rice and goes to flop on the couch, taking up the entire space with his overly long legs. Xion and Roxas join him at the coffee table on the floor.

There are no monsters in the closet and there are no men in hooded coats.

_ You’re safe. You’re safe. You’re safe. _

 

* * *

 

With the sun bleeding across the sky, the paopu fruit turns golden in his palms, and the sky grows darker around the edges. With the air surprisingly cool, Sora sits outside of the dorm hall regarding the fruit and how Riku have given it to him. Maybe it had just been a hallmark back to home or maybe it meant something else; he wasn’t sure anymore.

“Sora!” comes Kairi’s voice and he glances up to see her walking hand in hand with Naminé both of them looking happier than he’s ever seen. “Hey, what are you doing out here? Where’s Riku?”

Sora shrugs and sets the fruit on the picnic table he’s occupying. “He went to play Frisbee with friends, I haven’t seen him since.”

“Hm, you haven’t texted him?” Kairi asks while she sits opposite him with Naminé joining.  

“He’s busy.”

“Sora, I’m very sorry,” Naminé says softly. “For upsetting you the other day.”

“It was my fault,” Kairi corrects firmly. “I shouldn’t have told her about you, I’m really sorry. It was  _ wrong _ . I wouldn’t have wanted you to do that to me and I’m just  _ really _ sorry.”

“I know, Kairi. It’s okay.” It’s not okay but it’s better than fighting. 

“So… Riku’s with friends?” Naminé asks. 

Sora nods. “Yeah.” 

“Great, we can think of how you can ask him out,” Kairi says with a big smile. 

“He doesn’t like me,” Sora replies.

Naminé frowns. “Did he say that to you?” He shakes his head. “Then how do you know?”

“Sora’s got it in his head that he isn’t Riku’s  _ type _ but how can you know what Riku’s type is, hm?”

“I just  _ know _ !” He doesn’t mean to shout but the pain of knowing he can never be with the person he cares about most is painful. “Sorry.”

“Sora, Riku probably doesn’t even know his  _ type, _ ” Kairi points out. “Look, I’m sorry I was teasing you earlier but I really think you guys would be cute together. You’ve been friends for  _ forever _ and you like him a lot.” 

He does like Riku a lot; in fact, he likes Riku so much it’s almost painful. “I know I like him, okay? I just don’t want to put myself out there only to be crushed. Is that so wrong?” 

“I understand,” Kairi says quietly. “I really do, I was so afraid to tell Naminé my feelings. I never did and it’s a good thing she asked me or we’d never have known we liked each other. Sora, don’t do that to yourself – you could be missing out on something really great.”

He wants to point out she’s only been dating Naminé for less than a day so how could she know if it’s going to be great but that would be a really low blow. She’s only trying to help but he’s not sure if her advice is helpful or patronizing.

“There’s Riku now,” Naminé says softly and points to where he’s coming off of the quad and toward the dorm hall. Sora feels his gut clench. “Kairi and I will let you two talk.”

“Yes,” Kairi agrees. They take each other’s hand and head inside to leave Sora alone with his paopu fruit.

Riku arrives shortly after, still carrying the Frisbee; Sora assumes he won the item by being the best, just like he’s the best at everything else. “Sora!” Riku calls with a raised arm and smile. “Hey. You want to go grab something to eat with me?”

_ No _ , he thinks miserably. “I don’t have any money.”

“My treat.”

He’s out of excuses to not go which sucks but he also doesn’t want Riku to think he doesn’t want to hang out just because Riku is now confirmed gay. “I want to change first.”

“Sure, me too, I’m all sweaty.” Riku tugs at his shirt and Sora’s heart stutters when Riku accidentally flashes his stomach a few times. He’s seen Riku shirtless more times than he can count on both hands but just the flash of exposed skin makes him weak in the knees.

They head inside together where Riku sets the Frisbee on his desk before ducking into the bathroom to shower. Sora takes his time changing; he wants to put an outfit together he would maybe look good in for once in his life. No shorts, just jeans, and a t-shirt. Riku always manages to look good in anything he puts on but Sora has a harder time. His hair is a mess but it’s always a bird’s nest no matter how many times he brushes or attempts to style it.

In the end, he’s a walking fashion disaster and there is no way Riku would ever want to date.

“Hey,” Riku says and Sora doesn’t dare to turn around in case Riku is lacking pants. “You look nice.”

_ You look nice _ . Who put him up to lie?

“No, I don’t,” Sora denies immediately while pretending to search for his wallet and phone.

“I think you do.” The sounds of Riku dressing is a relief so Sora grabs his phone, keys, and wallet so they can prepare to go. “Look, I’m really sorry about earlier… Just running off like that, I shouldn’t have. I should have listened to you. I was being a bad friend and I’m sorry Sora.”

“It’s fine-.”

“It’s not… I do that kind of stuff a lot, I know, and I’m going to work on it… It’s not fair to you or Kairi for me to act that way but especially you. I’ve blown you off more times than I’m sure either of us can count or want to remember. I don’t even know why you’re still my friend.” Riku looks down in shame while he pulls a shirt over his head.

“You’re my best friend, Riku,” Sora says quietly. “I know you’re a busy guy.”

“That doesn’t mean I should just blow you guys off like this. I’m your best friend, Sora, and I’m being a really crappy one. I shouldn’t just…” He sighs and shakes his head in frustration. “I’m just babbling and repeating myself. I’m going to get better.”

He wants to reassure Riku and tell him everything is fine but Riku has a point; being blown off by Riku is something he’s grown accustomed to but when thinking on it, it’s really messed up. Riku’s made promises before so he can only believe it when he sees it.

“Where do you want to eat?” Sora asks to move on from the conversation but also not forgive Riku for past sins.

“Wherever you want. You pick, this is about you and me making up for being a jerk earlier,” Riku says and dangles his keys. “I’ll even drive.”

Probably a good thing since Sora’s parents refused to buy him a car. He doesn’t even really know how to drive. “You have to,” he points out since he lacks a driver’s license.

“Just saying, we don’t  _ have _ to choose within walking distance,” Riku replies with a casual shrug. “So, where do you want to eat, Sora?”

“Hmmm.” Sora taps his chin while he thinks of somewhere not fast food but not outrageously priced. Everything on the mainland can be horribly expensive.

“You wanna think and drive?” Riku asks.

“Sure.”

The night air is cool while they leave the dorm and race to Riku’s car. Riku’s parents have a lot of money and they always spoil their son in lavish gifts so for his twenty-first, Riku had received a brand new sports car – all black, sleek, and sharp. The rims are black and the car’s undercarriage glows blue when the car runs. Sora can still recall the jealousy racing through his veins when Riku had been given the car so casually by his parents as a birthday gift.

His parents didn’t even buy him socks on his birthday.

Riku pats the top of the car in a greeting before surprisingly dashing around to open Sora’s door. Sora blinks a few times at the gesture but slides in regardless. Since when is Riku a casual gentleman? Especially for him?  _ Maybe he really does want to make up. _

“That’s new,” Sora comments when Riku finally joins him on the driver’s side.

“What is?”

“You opening the door.”

Riku’s face turns red and it’s so obvious even in the dark, Sora is supremely confused. He’s never seen Riku so flustered while talking to him. “I just… Forget it.”

Riku floods the car with the sound of the radio, probably trying to prevent further conversation, so Sora slowly turns his gaze to the window instead. Kairi had insisted Riku would go out with him and he shouldn’t just assume Riku didn’t like him which felt  _ wrong _ on every level. However, Riku opening his door, trying to make up with him for being a jerk earlier, and buying their dinner – it almost felt like an unspoken date.

“Riku…”

“Yeah?” Riku asks, eyes remaining on the road. He’s always been a good driver.

Sora turns his eyes over to his friend and pauses when for a brief moment he sees Riku wearing the black lycra suit, chest emblazoned with the funny heart. “Uh…” He blinks and the image disappears as fast as it appeared. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Why?”

“You’re just not acting like you,” Sora replies. “Opening my door for me, buying us food-.”

“I buy us food!”

“Yeah but…” How can he ask Riku if this is a date without being so blatant?

“But?” They stop at a light so Riku finally turns his eyes on him. “Nothing is different.”

“Feels different,” Sora says slowly. “Feels like a date.”

Riku’s eyes widen and pupils dilate, swallowing up their aquamarine before he blinks and looks away. “What?  _ No _ .”

“No?”

“No! Why would- no.” Riku coughs and when the light turns green, he shifts gears to tear down the road, but from the way he refuses to look over at him, Sora has a suspicion maybe Kairi was right after all.

_ But maybe you’re making him uncomfortable _ .

“Sorry,” Sora says quietly, his eyes dropping to his lap and he’s never felt less hungry than in the moment.

“It’s okay,” Riku replies. “Where do you want to eat? I’m starving.”

“You can pick. Not that hungry.” He’d been hungry before this conversation but hearing Riku immediately slam any idea of them dating down is enough to fill his stomach with nerves.

“You sure?” Riku asks to which he nods a confirmation. “Alright. Let’s just grab some Chinese and head home then. Kinda tired.”

“Sure.”

There is no further conversation between them, not even when they go inside to order, and return to the car to drive back to campus. They sit on their opposite beds while eating and Riku lies down almost immediately after to sleep so Sora stays quiet while on his phone. Stupidity and he have gone hand in hand for a while – at least, he’s been told so all of his life – but now he can see it come to reality. Riku doesn’t want to  _ date _ him and Kairi is wrong.

_ S: You were wrong _

_ K: Hey! About what? Did you talk to Riku? _

_ S: He doesn’t want to date me. It was stupid to even bring it up _

_ K: Wait, what? What did he say to you? What happened? _

_ S: He was acting… weird tonight so I sorta implied that it felt like a date and he denied it. I’m so stupid. _

_ K: Sora, you’re not stupid. Riku’s nervous. _

_ S: Just… I don’t want to talk about it anymore, Kairi. Forget it, ok? Don’t bug him about it and let’s just drop it. Now he probably knows I like him so I guess I’ll just die _

_ K: Sora, stop being dramatic. There are other guys in the sea, you know. Riku’s not the only guy out there. _

Kairi’s right but Riku is the only guy he’s ever genuinely wanted to experience life with on a deeper level. He’s never really had a crush outside of Riku. He’s met other guys but none of them are interested in his opinion. He slides his phone beneath his pillow and hugs it close to his face to blot any tears rolling onto his cheeks.

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid. _

 

* * *

 

The studio is dark and creepy late at night since hardly anyone stays to work late but he’s always been a late night worker so Roxas is lounging in a bean bag chair to keep him company. Not that he’s actually doing any work. The only thing he’s managed to pluck out of his brain lately are images of men in black cloaks which he’s stuffed beneath magazine clippings to hide. No one needs to see those, least of all Roxas.

He’ll have too many questions.

“Are you even doing anything?” Roxas asks and Axel snorts at the callout.

“Nope.”

“Then, we should go, I’m tired and it’s late.”

“Sorry.” The apology comes easily to his lips and slides off of his tongue like honey. From the look on Roxas’ face, it was unnecessary but he’s never sure when to apologize and when to hold his tongue since being his friend is really one long apology in itself.

“C’mon, Lea.” Roxas offers his hand and Axel accepts so they can start walking from the studio and across campus back to their apartment. It would be a long walk and they probably should have taken a car but at least the weather is nice.

The worst part is Roxas doesn’t release his hand. They walk hand in hand from the art building and across the street so casually he almost believes they’re dating.  _ But you’re not and he doesn’t do that. _

“There’s another party happening this weekend,” Roxas says. “Say you aren’t going.”

Well, if anything was a mood killer…

Axel pulls his hand from Roxas’ and angrily stuffs them into his pockets. “I didn’t even  _ know _ about it, so no, I am not going. I wish you would just trust me, Rox.”

“I just don’t want you to pull another blackout drunk bender, Axel. I’m worried about you.”

“I  _ won’t _ party again,” he insists while kicking a rock down the sidewalk. Being lectured by Roxas is the worst way to spend the evening and he’s sick of being treated as a child. “But if you’re  _ so _ worried, maybe we should do something to fill the time.”

“Like?”

“I dunno. Go somewhere – and getting ice cream doesn’t count.” Not that he doesn’t enjoy their ice cream runs – they’re one of his favorite things to do – but ice cream and partying aren’t really on the same caliber of fun.

Roxas snorts in response and they’re quiet for a while. Axel assumes Roxas is thinking or maybe he thinks the idea is stupid and is trying to keep the opinion to himself.  There is a park between main campus and the art department and surprisingly Roxas starts to veer off toward it, so Axel follows.

“Thought you were tired?” Axel prompts while Roxas sits on a swing. The park is deserted since it’s pitch black outside but Axel isn’t worried. Nothing ever happens in Twilight Town.

“If we go home now, I won’t think of anything to do this weekend,” Roxas points out while starting to swing casually.

Axel easily falls behind him and gently gives him a few pushes to encourage the movement. “It doesn’t have to be extravagant,” he replies. “Just us… Together.”

_ Just us. Together. _

“Just us?” Roxas repeats and the question comes out so quiet Axel almost doesn’t hear him.

“Yeah,” he whispers.

Roxas stops swinging suddenly, dragging and digging his feet in the dirt until he jolts Axel backward from the force of the stop. “Axel.”

He grunts and rubs his chest. “Trying to take me out?”

“ _ Axel _ .”

“What?”

The world is so quiet afterward, no sounds of birds or evening crickets, no sounds of traffic, and no sounds of students. The only all consuming sound is the beat of Axel’s heart thrumming heavily in his chest.  _ Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum, ba dum. _

“I keep having dreams,” Roxas whispers. “Where I have no heart.”

“No heart? What do you mean?”

“I just… I have no heart. I am no one. A nobody. It’s like I’m not even a real person. Have you been having weird dreams lately, too?” Roxas slowly glances back over his shoulder and there is fear living deeply in Roxas’ eyes. The desire to take it all way makes Axel’s soul ache.

“I always have weird dreams,” he replies.

“About what?”

“Men in black coats,” he admits at last. “That’s all I can remember… Otherwise, I just wake up feeling lonely or sad or empty. Like I’m a husk… a shell of what I was when I went to sleep.”

“I have those, too,” Roxas whispers and Axel feels his heart palpitate.

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

The memory of the black coat stuffed away in his closet laughs at him while he stands still and afraid. Does Roxas have a black coat in his closet, too? Organization XIII mocks his memories but he doesn’t ever remember wearing a black coat – except, he does remember wearing a black coat; in his dreams, he always shrouds himself in a coat identical to the figures surrounding him.

_ To protect you from the darkness. _

“Axel?” Roxas asks. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing- sorry. I… I just was thinking something but it doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know where the thought came from. Probably just a dream.” Axel waves his hand to dismiss the thought and the conversation in one gesture.

“Tell me.” Roxas stands and they start back toward the apartment again, leaving the lonely park behind. “Maybe I have it, too.”

“I just thought the coats protect the wearer from darkness but what does that even mean?” he whispers, trying to parse through the insanity of his unconscious mind. The dreams never make sense while dreaming and even less sense while in the waking world.

“To protect from darkness?” Roxas repeats. “Sounds… like a fantasy or a weird omen.”

“Yeah,” Axel whispers. “Let’s, uh, talk about something else now. Like what we’re doing this weekend.”

“Right.” Roxas shrugs and Axel also feels at a loss for words. It’s not really as if he needs an incentive not to party; the hangover punishment had been enough. “We’ll think of something.”

“Yeah,” he agrees as they open the door and head into the small foyer. The apartment is really a house which is rented out to students for use but they consider it an apartment.

Xion is waiting up for them in the living room, tapping away on her phone, while the TV plays some anime in the background. She looks up, relief washing over her face when they walk in. “I was just about to go look for you idiots.”

“Sorry, we should have messaged you,” Roxas says while he plops down beside her on the couch. “Axel took  _ forever  _ in the studio.”

“Sorry,” Axel says while sitting down in a chair and stretching his long legs out. The motion feels good and his hips pop with the effort. “Getting old, kids. Sound like a bubble wrap packet.”

Roxas throws a pillow at his face and Xion laughs. “You’re not old. Shut up.”

He chuckles. “Didn’t you hear? According to the internet, I’m  _ ancient _ , and shouldn’t be associating with you young’uns.”

Roxas and Xion both roll their eyes and laugh. A soft smile fills Axel’s face while watching them. He loves seeing his friends content and happy. He would do anything to bottle up their happiness so on sad days he could un-bottle the joy and give it away to his friends in need.  _ You would do anything to protect them. _

“Hey,” Xion says which draws Axel’s mind from slipping down the road to sleep. “Do you guys want to go out with me this weekend? Naminé and Kairi invited me to this club on Friday night. Sounds fun.”

“ _ Club _ ?” Axel asks in disdain. He’d never been a fan of clubbing but maybe his annoyance came from knowing clubbing is like partying but on LSD or speed. Maybe both.

“Yeah, you know, a place you go dancing?” Xion asks. “That’s what we’ll be doing. You don’t have to drink.”

“I’ll leave that to Roxas to decide,” Axel replies. “He was  _ concerned _ I’d go party this weekend. Does clubbing count? I can always be the sober one to drive us there, considering, Riku and I are the only ones with vehicles. I assume Riku is coming. “

“Yes, Sora and Riku will be there, too,” Xion confirms. “And Kairi has a car, too.”

“Right,” Axel hums. “Well, Rox, what do you want to do?”

Roxas looks unsure but eventually, he nods. “We can go. You can drive.”

He flashes a thumbs up and manages to stand and reach up to touch the ceiling while stretching, listening to the bones and joints in his body snap, crackle, and pop.  _ You’ve become a rice krispe treat, Ax, extra crisp _ .

“I’m going to bed,” he announces and waves on his way back to his bedroom. Roxas and Xion tease him about being  _ old _ since he’s turning in so early but he ignores their jests.

The door shut, Axel briefly glances to the closet but he’s still too afraid to go in. Shaking his head, he strips down to nothing and glances at his body in the full-length mirror on the wall. The black tattoos, still not attached to a proper memory, all mock him and he traces their shapes and patterns with his fingertips. The only one he can recall is the Roman numerals on his wrist.

Rationally, he knows all of the tattoos had to be garnered from his time with Organization XIII but there is no real rhyme or reason for any of them. They stretch up his arms and across his shoulders and down his back. Completely healed and still pitch black as if he’d received them yesterday, they’re nonsensical swirls and symbols leave him puzzled anytime he looks them over.

There are words written in his skin in a language he can’t decode. He’s been to specialists and no one has been able to pinpoint the words or what they mean. The only word someone’s been able to read is the one stretched from shoulder to shoulder. Across his back is the word,  **_KINGDOM HEARTS_ ** , and he has yet to figure out what any of it means.

_ Axel, wake up. _

The voice startles him so badly he almost crashes into the mirror but manages to catch himself with a hand flying out to the dresser nearby. “Who’s there?” he demands into the darkness.

_ Wake up, please, Axel. I’m right here. _

“I am awake,” he growls to the entity-less voice. He had once believed the voice belonged to Saïx but it sounds different today. Less abrasive.

_ Axel, don’t forget the light. Wake up. Don’t let the darkness consume you. _

He clutches the sides of his head and shakes it to try and make the voice leave his mind. It’s familiar as if he’s heard it before, but it’s so muffled he can’t quite make it out. “Go away,” he growls before storming over to his bed to climb under the blankets and hide. He’s too long for the standard sized bed so he lets his legs dangle. The haunting maw of his closet is like a mocking laugh in the darkness beckoning him to find more hidden secrets.

“ _ No _ ,” he growls. Maybe the source of the voice is in the closet but he won’t go back in. Not right now. Not ever.

_ Axel.. _

The voice fades to nothing and he’s left alone in his room. There is no one else here but Roxas and Xion in the living room. He can still hear the television faintly.

_ Safe from the darkness _ , he tells himself.

_ Hidden from the light, _ the voice answers.

 

* * *

 

Clubbing had never been his kind of scene; too many people, the loud music, the pulsing walls, the alcohol strewed all over the floor, and the drunken bodies grinding on one another turned him off in every aspect. Standing on the fringes, Sora keeps his eyes out for Riku, who is surprisingly having a good time on the dance floor. His white hair shines under multicolored lights, cascading a rainbow all over his skin while he moves with the beat of the music. The crowd surges periodically and Sora always loses Riku in a sea of faces but ends up finding him again and again like a homing pigeon.

Is home a place or a person?

Sora wants to think home is a person and his home is as chaotic as the turbulent sea during a hurricane. Volatile and uncertain but he keeps returning no matter the rain or shine. He loves his home.

“Not enjoying yourself?” comes a voice close to his ear which makes him startle but it’s the only way to be heard in a place so loud.

The voice belongs to a pair of sharp green eyes and a shock of red hair. Axel. He shrugs and continues to hold onto a full cup of alcohol which he only accepted because Riku had ordered it for him. He had no intentions of drinking but at least he fits in.

“Go dance!” Axel prompts and waves a long-fingered hand in the direction of the crowd.

“No,” he replies as loudly as he can over the music.

Axel rolls his eyes and looks bored without a drink in hand. Sora notes his eyes are on Roxas who is dancing with his new friends – Hayner, Ollette, and Pence. They’d been invited last minute and Sora can see the jealousy set in Axel’s shoulders. As far as Sora knows, Roxas has never been one for dancing but he looks happy on the dance floor, mirroring moves from his friends. He’s glad Roxas is happy.

“Why don’t  _ you _ go dance?” Sora demands and points to Roxas. “Ask him to dance with you!”

There is a look of longing between Axel’s eyebrows and he seems completely lost and lonely like a little boy who desperately wants to feel wanted. “He doesn’t want me,” he replies and the words only carry to his ear because they’re standing so close otherwise he never would have heard anything.

While he wants to stay and watch Riku sweat and dance, Sora can tell Axel needs to talk, so he sets his drink down on the bar and grabs Axel’s arm to drag him back through the club to the front hallway which is much quieter and they can talk without having to go outside.

“What do you mean he doesn’t want you?” Sora asks once they’re in a quiet area.

Axel pulls out of his grip and leans back against the wall, arms folded across his chest in a defensive maneuver. His red hair tied back in a high ponytail he can’t hide his face but Sora can see the discomfort.

“I didn’t mean anything,” He mutters.

“Yes, you did. Talk to me, Axel.” Maybe he has a penchant to force things out of people but he can tell Axel needs to talk to someone not attached to Roxas by the hip. Sure, he’s friends with Roxas but he also won’t run off to tell him what Axel tells him in confidence either.

“He’s not into me, okay?” Axel snaps. “He thinks I’m needy and you heard him, he doesn’t date. You  _ heard _ what he said about me! Why should I bother him? He’s already replaced me anyway.”

“With who?”

“His new little trio!” Axel waves back to the club and looks away to pout. Clearly, the addition of Roxas’ new friends really dug Axel the wrong way. “He’s replaced me with new friends, newer models, probably better than I am at being pals. So, forget it. He doesn’t want me.”

A distant memory of Roxas telling him a secret so shocking he’d almost not believed him when he’d said it out loud but Roxas had begged him not to tell. Seeing Axel now, in pain and torn, he wants to utter the secret out loud, give it life, and give it a name.

Roxas would never forgive him.

“I don’t think Roxas would ever replace you, Axel,” Sora decides to say slowly and diplomatically. “He made new friends, isn’t it a good thing? Roxas has a hard time making friends as it is.”

They both know this to be true, considering Roxas’ trust issues and past. Sora doesn’t know everything and he knows Axel knows more than he ever will but he  _ does _ know it’s a good thing to see Roxas with new friends. He also knows Axel is probably happy for Roxas, too, but jealousy is eating his heart away.

Axel sighs and his shoulders slump, green eyes drifting down. “I know, I’m glad he has new friends, I just don’t like feeling as if I don’t… matter.”

“You  _ do  _ matter to Roxas. If you didn’t matter, why would he be so concerned about you?” Sora points out. “He wouldn’t live with you or talk to you if you didn’t matter. I think if you went up to dance with him, he would be happy to have you there with him.”

Axel doesn’t say anything but Sora can see his face going over the various scenarios and outcomes if he went over to dance with them. “I guess I could go for one song and see how he feels about it.”

Sora smiles. “Exactly! You can do it, Axel. C’mon.”

They return to the club and Sora resumes his spot by the bar, eyes roaming over the crowd while Axel slips onto the dance floor to find Roxas. The throng is so thick, Sora worries he won’t find Riku again but then a shine of silver hair makes him turn and he notes Riku is no longer on the floor at the moment. He’s at the opposite end of the long bar, purchasing a bottle of water. Sora’s eyes widen when Riku rips the cap off and eagerly guzzles the water down, spilling liquid sloppily down his sweat soaked chin and neck.

Riku downs half the bottle quickly before wiping the back of his wrist wrap on his mouth. He hopes Riku’s wrist isn’t bothering him and Sora regrets not bringing Riku’s pain killers. Of course, with alcohol in his system, he probably doesn’t feel much at all, just the high of clubbing. Riku drinks the rest of the bottle slowly, his eyes on the crowd, lips parted while he pants and regains his breath. Fear grips Sora tightly as he slowly follows Riku’s line of sight to where he’s looking.

A guy – tall, fit, attractive. The kind of guy Sora always assumed Riku would be attracted to – someone the complete opposite of him. The guy’s back is to them but Riku is staring at the stranger’s back as if it’s better than the water he just consumed. Sora sighs and wants to turn away but he can’t look at anything else. He needs to know if Riku is going to make a move or just pine in silence.

It’s probably selfish to want Riku to pine only but his heart aches to not witness his friend throw himself at a stranger. Riku finishes the water bottle and then he’s crossing the floor with more confidence than Sora could ever muster. He taps the man on the shoulder and Sora feels his jaw hit the ground. The mystery man is not a stranger at all but Leon, one of their friends; he hadn’t recognized him from behind with his hair up.

Leon flashes Riku a smile and Sora wishes he could be close enough to hear their conversation. Whatever he says, Leon and Riku start to dance together and the provocative moves make Sora lose any remaining confidence he might have had in regards to ever having a chance with Riku. He can already hear the crowd laughing at him for being so foolish. He had nothing to really offer Riku, other than being a complete idiot.

Slowly, Sora turns away and sinks onto an open bar stool when someone else vacates. He debates on finally ordering an alcoholic drink but he’s not sure he should. If he starts now there may never be an end point.

_ Sora! _

The voice rings so suddenly in his ear, he startles and looks around but he’s alone, there isn’t anyone around. It sounded like Riku but Riku is still on the dance floor.

_ Sora! Come back! _

“Come back?” he whispers out loud and digs at his ear, wondering if he’s hearing things because the music is starting to be bothersome. Come back from  _ where _ ? He’s right here. Riku is on the dance floor. Riku isn’t talking to him right now.  _ You’re hearing things because of the music. No one is talking to you. _

“Sora?”

Okay, now someone is talking to him.

He looks over and sees Kairi standing next to him, her face drawn in worry. “Hey,” he replies and realizes the music has died down a little. Maybe they’re changing DJ’s.

“You look like you’re miserable. Do you want to dance with Naminé and I?” She offers her hand but he shakes his head. “No?”

“I’m fine, Kairi,” he mutters.

“What’s wrong?” Kairi looks around in confusion and then he sees her face change as she seems to realize the problem. “Oh… Riku.”

“He can do whatever he wants,” Sora replies immediately before she accuses him of something. “Who am I to stop him? He  _ should _ be with someone like Leon.”

“I’m sorry, Sora,” she says. “Are you sure you don’t want to join us? We won’t mind.”

“No, I’m fine.” He’s not fine but it’s easier to lie than it is to admit how much it hurts to see Riku with someone else. It’s not  _ rational _ to be jealous, considering he’s never dated Riku or kissed Riku – at least, not in real life. In his mind, sure, but his mind is wild and there are a lot of trap doors full of secrets inside.

“Okay… Well, if you change your mind.” Kairi squeezes his shoulder and he nods, still waving her away.

The bartender drops by and asks him if he wants to order something and he slowly sets down a plastic card he’s only supposed to use in emergencies but this feels a lot like an emergency. The bartender nods and brings him some colorful atrocity he starts to drink down. It tastes like how he believes a My Little Pony would taste but he drinks it anyway. The whipped cream is good, at least, and follow one drink he decides to try a sea salt milkshake infused with vodka.

_ That _ is good.

After two sugary drinks, however, he’s not feeling completely well so he passes on a third and takes water instead. The room feels too hot and the floor much too far away. The water tastes like an oasis on his tongue as he swallows it down gulp by gulp until the bottle is empty. Finally, he dares to turn around and there is Riku. He’s standing right there in front of him, listening to Leon lean down to say something in his ear. He doesn’t have to lean far since Riku is fairly tall.

He’s not tall.

Riku probably wishes he were tall, though.

There are people waiting for a bar stool so Sora trips off of the one he’s occupying and stumbles toward Riku and Leon. Riku laughs and Sora is certain he sees God shining light above him. Riku is beautiful – an angel fell to Earth.

“Riku,” he says and Riku turns to look at him, his eyes widening for a moment.

“Sora,” he says. “Are you drunk?”

“I don’t know,” Sora replies and then he throws his arms around Riku’s neck and leans heavily on his friend. Riku stumbles but manages to keep them both upright.

“Sora,” Riku grunts. “What are you doing?” There is a displeased edge to Riku’s voice. He should do something about that.

“Hi,” he says and giggles. Their faces are close, he can see the small golden flecks in Riku’s eyes.

“Sora, c’mon-,” Riku grumbles and tries to put space between them but Sora holds onto Riku’s shirt and yanks him back until their mouths are pressing together in a kiss.

A small sober brain cell in his mind begins to play Kill Bill sirens but he keeps kissing until he feels Riku’s hands land on his chest and shoves as hard as he can. Being drunk, he falls easily, crashing back into several people who snap at him to watch what he’s doing. The floor rises up to meet him faster than he can think and then the wind is knocked out of his lungs when the dance floor smacks hard into his back.

Riku’s face is one of mortification and there are people staring. Leon is confused but also offering a hand to help him upright before he’s stepped on but Sora prays for someone to simply crush his windpipe and end his entire life instantaneously.

“Come on, Sora,” Leon pulls him upright but the sudden motion is enough to make nausea grip his stomach and he vomits all over Riku’s front. The humiliation burns worse than any upturned stomach.

“Sora!” Riku shouts and he tries to step out of the way but he’s not fast enough.

Tears burn the back of his eyes. Really, death is preferable.

Leon is leading him away and making him sit down by the bar. A cold rag is dabbed over his face but he can’t open his eyes. The world won’t stop spinning. Drinking is  _ really _ not for him. The worst part is, Riku drove them here, meaning he’s going to have to deal with a sour Riku all the way home.

“You okay, kid?” Leon asks and his voice is kind despite all of the events leading up to this moment.

“No,” he mumbles. “I’m stupid.”

“Yeah, I’d agree with you on that,” Leon says. “But we all get too drunk and do stupid stuff every now and again. Riku will be okay.”

“He’s probably mad.” Understandably.

“Probably,” Leon agrees. “But he’ll get over it.”

“Were you guys gonna hook up?” It’s probably the alcohol making him voice his every thought but he wishes his tongue and jaw would stop meeting up like this. It’s only leading him into trouble.

Leon chuckles. “Not sure how that’s your business.”

“Sorry.”

“But to answer the question, so you’re not asking him and upsetting him further,  _ no _ , we were not going to hook up. Just dancing. It was fun but I’m taken.” Leon wipes Sora’s face some more but he refuses to open his eyes. “You glad I’m not?”

“He doesn’t like me,” Sora mumbles in response.

“Well, I’d say he’s missing out.” Leon pats his knee. “You need to get home and in the fresh air. You ride here with Riku?”

“Yeah.”

“How about I take you home so you don’t have to hear a lecture, hm?”

Sora nods and finally pries his eyes open so he can follow Leon to the car. The walk feels extraordinarily long but once they make it to the car, Leon turns the air conditioning on and hands him an empty container in case he needs to throw up again. Leon’s too nice.

Too good for a loser like him.

“You live in the dorms, right?” Leon asks and Sora nods his response because talking is tiring. “Alright. We’ll be home soon, kid.”

“Should text Kairi,” he whispers.

“Good idea.”

The phone feels far away as he texts and he has no idea if he’s even managed to type words.

_ S: Kaieiw gon hm _

_ K: ?????? are you ok? I just saw Riku, he’s really upset. What happened? _

God, her texts are too long to process. He groans and lets his phone rest in his hand instead. The ride back is quiet, which he’s grateful for, and Leon even helps him inside to make sure he makes it to the dorm room in one piece.

“You want me to text Kairi for you?” Leon asks and gestures to the unanswered message.

“Yeah, I can’t even read it,” he mumbles. Sleep is calling his name so suddenly, all he wants to do is curl up and not wake up again for the next twenty-four hours. He’s seen Riku hungover so the possibility is fairly real.

_ S: Kairi, it’s Leon. I took Sora home. he had too much to drink and made a slight ass of himself but he’s okay. Tell Riku not to come in here and yell. Kid’s tired. If Riku wants he can crash at my place if he needs some space. _

_ K: Oh. I’ll tell him. Is Sora alright? _

_ S: He’s ok. Probably never drank like that before, has he? _

_ K: Not that I know of L I’ll stop by and check on him later _

_ S: You got a key? _

_ K: Riku gave me his. _

_ S: Okay. Tell Riku I’ll come pick him up in a few _

_ K: I will. Thanks, Leon! _

“Sora,” Leon says and he snaps his eyes open again. “I need you to lie on your stomach, okay?”

“’Kay,” he mutters. Leon helps him go into position and sleep drags him under soon after.

 

_ Just one dance. It’s just one dance. No one cares you can’t dance. You’re having fun with Roxas – who is your friend and isn’t replacing you with new people. _

Axel taps Roxas’ shoulder before he can completely wimp out and Roxas turns, his eyes rising until he has to tip his head back. The lights changing colors overhead make Roxas’ eyes sparkle like the ocean and Axel wants to dive in but he has no idea how to swim. Especially not in those waters.

“Axel!” Roxas yells over the music.

He waves in response so he’s not shouting. He stands taller than the entire crowd and doesn’t feel like making a larger statement than necessary. Instead, he leans down so he can talk in Roxas’ ear and Roxas can hear him. “Can I join?”

Roxas’ hands reach out to grab onto his elbows, which only helps him steady and not feel so much pressure on his spine. Roxas knows the drill. “You want to dance?”

“…If you don’t mind?”

Roxas smiles and nods. “Sure.”

The group makes room and Axel tries to sway with the beat while also not completely knocking anyone out with his overly long limbs. Roxas already introduced him to his new friends at the parking lot but he’s already mixed the two boys up. Pence and Hayner – he has no idea which is which. Ollette is only easy because she’s the only girl beside Xion they know.

Xion and Ollette are dancing a ways away from the four of them and Axel notes Xion has hearts splattered all over her eyes. He smiles a little and drops his eyes down to Roxas. There is so much fun energy in the air even Roxas is smiling and enjoying being around people instead of wanting to escape to his room and hide for a few hours. He likes seeing Roxas step out of his comfort zone.

He likes being so close to Roxas he can feel his body heat and the shift and movement of his clothing. The longer he watches Roxas the more relaxed he becomes himself and he manages to move along with them until they’re all sweating and smiling. Someone passing by knocks into Roxas hard enough to send Roxas right into his arms and if the club were a little quieter he would have thanked the stranger for such a blessing.

“Are you alright?” Axel asks, still holding Roxas to be sure he’s fine.

Roxas’ hands grip onto his arms tightly while he tries to stay upright. “I’m fine. Jerk.”

_ Yes, jerk but also thank you, jerk. _

“I need water!” Hayner – or is it Pence? – yells and gestures at the bar. Roxas nods and leaves them alone. Axel takes the moment to guide Roxas closer to the outskirts. Not only is it quieter over here but he can make sure Roxas is really fine.

“Ax, I’m fine,” Roxas says, beating him to the punchline.

“I just want to be sure, call me the mom friend,” Axel replies and looks Roxas over which is partially him being a complete perv and checking Roxas for bruises and, well, just  _ checking  _ him over.

Roxas rolls his eyes but stands still so he can pass an Axel Inspection. “I’m fine, see? Why’d you bring us over here.”

“So I don’t have to scream in your ear,” Axel replies.

“Okay, fair.”

“You’re having fun.”

“Yeah, I am. So?”

“It’s not a bad thing, I’m just surprised. This isn’t really your scene.” Axel glances at the crowd, the strobe lights flashing, and the myriad of drunk people crawling all over each other.

“I like to dance. It feels freeing. I feel so relaxed.” Roxas smiles and Axel is certain his heart screams with the softness oozing out of his chest. Roxas makes him a soft mess. No longer full of sharp angles and hard edges, Roxas has made him a  _ person _ .

“I’m glad you let me come,” Axel says and his hand cups Roxas’ cheek against his will. His lips look so  _ plush _ in the light. Pink and parted, Axel feels a strong desire to go exploring.

“I’m glad you came, too, Axel,” Roxas replies. “We should get back. I bet the guys got us water.”

Roxas is going to walk away and worry he may never have this chance again fuels him so he grabs Roxas’ wrist and twirls him right back around. Roxas frowns in confusion but Axel crushes the look away with a desperate kiss. Practically breaking his spine to kiss Roxas is absolutely worth the softness of Roxas’ lips pressed into his own.

He almost moans but Roxas is pulling away, his eyes wide, and pupils dark circles over the inky blue. The look on Roxas’ face makes him realize what an idiot he is and Axel tries to apologize. The words are jammed in his throat and he can’t seem to force them out.

“Thank you,” Roxas says which isn’t what he thought Roxas was going to say. Before anymore can be said, Roxas flees and returns to the dance floor to find his friends.

Axel stares at the space Roxas used to occupy and frowns.  _ Thank you _ ? He’s not sure if that means Roxas is mad or not but-

A hand lands on his shoulder, startling him, and he spins around to meet a pair of golden eyes he hasn’t seen in many years. An x-shaped scar slashes over the man’s face and there are sharp teeth glinting in the dark.

“Saïx,” he gasps.

“Axel,” Saïx says. “Wow, it’s been a  _ long _ , long time.”

Dread.


	3. Chapter 3

“ _ Gooood _ morning!” 

Kairi’s high, feminine voice cuts through even the deepest sleep and at first, Sora is too disoriented to know where he is or how long he’s been there. The first thing he notes is he’s not on the bed and not in the bedroom. The floor is cold and made of tile. He’s in the bathroom and his head is pounding. 

“Ugh,” he grunts in response. How did Kairi even get in here? 

“Feeling great?” Kairi asks while holding out a bottle of water and a white pill. 

“How’d you even get in here, Kairi?” he mumbles while accepting the water and aspirin. 

“I took Riku’s key,” she replies. “You mind telling me what happened last night?” 

Sora shudders as the memories of last night return in shifts; drinking, seeing Riku with Leon, dancing, having a good time, kissing Riku… throwing up on Riku… 

He’d really screwed up. 

“I got drunk,” Sora replies quietly. 

“Yeah, I know. Why?” 

“I saw Riku with Leon and I thought… I don’t know. I’m stupid okay?” Sora runs his fingers back through his hair and his stomach lurches - for a moment, he worries he’ll throw up but manages to hold back. “I got upset and then I… kissed Riku.” 

Kairi gasps. “You  _ what _ ?” 

“Then I threw up on him.” 

“Oh, no…” Kairi sighs and helps him slowly to his feet. “Come on, you need some fresh air and pancakes.” 

The thought of food makes him nauseous but hangover food is definitely in order. They find his shoes and keys before slowly walking toward the cafeteria. The morning is cold and gray so shorts hadn’t been the best idea but at least he has a hoodie to cut down on some of the cold. 

“You kissed Riku?” Kairi asks once they reach the cafeteria.

“It was stupid,” he mutters. “Just like everything I do. It was stupid. I don’t know why I did it-.” 

“You were drunk,” Kairi replies. “Drunk and jealous.  _ Not _ a good combo.” Kairi looks guilty when they reach a table. “It’s my fault. I pushed you!” 

“It’s not your fault, Kairi.” Sora shakes his head and shuffles off to stand in line and accept pancakes so he can sop up whatever alcohol he has left in his system. The line is short and he makes his way through but not before accidentally bumping into someone. “Oh, sorry–.” 

“It’s o–  _ Sora _ ?” 

Sora’s eyes fly up and he feels his heart and stomach drop. “Riku–.” 

“What are you doing here?” Riku asks which is a dumb question in Sora’s opinion. He goes to school here. 

“I eat here,” Sora replies and he notes Riku is wearing Leon’s clothes which makes sense considering last night’s events. “Riku… I’m so sorry–.” 

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Sora.” Riku turns away which is worse than a punch to the gut. 

He drops his eyes back down to his pancakes and doesn’t want them anymore so he sets the plate down next to where Riku is waiting on his own breakfast before leaving in a hurry. Maybe he’s completely ruined his friendship with Riku by being a complete idiot; the prospect makes his eyes burn with tears. 

“Sora?” Kairi calls as he rushes past her. “Sora, wait!” 

He doesn’t wait. He half runs and half trips down the stairs to the first floor and keeps walking. By the time the cold air is smacking him in the face, tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he hates being so  _ weak _ . Riku would never be this weak. Going back to the dorm room is out of the question since he doesn’t want to make Riku uncomfortable, so he sends Riku a text and hopes that’ll help. 

_ S: I’m sorry for ruining everything. You can go back to our room, I won’t be there. Sorry.  _

He’s tempted to go to Roxas’ place but Kairi would probably look there first so he decides to go somewhere no one will ever suspect. The library is quiet for a Sunday afternoon and Sora immediately goes to the third floor to hide in one of the corner desks to sleep. Yanking the hood of his jacket over his head, he pilows his head on his arms and wishes he wasn’t as stupid as people say. 

Notifications on his phone keep him awake but they’re all from Kairi, Naminé, Roxas, but nothing from the one person he wants to hear from. He’s tempted to text Riku again but maybe he’s just too much and Riku’s genuinely second-guessing their entire friendship. Tears make reading text messages difficult but he doesn’t answer any of them. 

_ S: Riku please talk to me?  _

He types it out. Deletes it. Types it out. Deletes it. 

_ Riku doesn’t want to be your friend – he can’t stand you.  _

“Well, what are  _ you _ doing up here?” comes a voice cold and slithering through the stacks. 

Sora looks over and it’s like looking in a dark mirror. Vanitas. “What do you want?” he mumbles. 

Vanitas, his estranged cousin, plops down opposite him and Sora notes he has books on poetry and  _ love _ , which are not the sort of things he ever though Vanitas would read. There’s also a book on murderers which seems a lot more like Vanitas’ style. “Why the long face,  _ cuz _ ?” Vanitas asks. 

Sora sighs and gives him a dirty look. “I kissed Riku.” 

Vanitas laughs which Sora supposes he should have figured would happen. “When?” 

“Last night. I was drunk. It was stupid.” 

“I’ll say – and now, what? Is Riku  _ ignoring _ you?” Vanitas asks. “Oh, boo-hoo. You two need to spend more time apart anyway. You’re attached at the hip, it’s disgusting.” 

Sora gestures to the books. “You have an aneurysm or something?” 

Vanitas snorts. “ _ No _ . They’re not for  _ me _ , they’re for Ven.” 

Ventus. Roxas’ twin and Vanitas’ long-standing frenemy and, in Sora’s opinion, giant crush. While Vanitas may act as though he’s not as loud and awkward as him, Sora knows Vanitas is not exactly  _ smooth _ around Ven. “So, you just thought you’d come here and pick up Ven’s books for him… On poetry and love?” Sora asks and snorts. “You’re really transparent, Van.” 

Vanitas glares and gnashes his teeth in his quiet rage. “I  _ don’t like him _ .” 

“You do, too,” Sora replies. “Just tell him already.” 

“You tell Riku.”

“I kinda  _ did _ ,” Sora points out in misery. “I kissed him. Remember?” 

Vanitas drums his fingers on top of the books while looking unamused. “Why did I even come over here? You’re painfully boring, Sora.” 

“Go  _ away _ , Van.” Sora shoos Vanitas and wishes his cousin would split. Of all of the people he wanted to see right now, Vanitas wouldn’t even make the top one hundred. 

“Fine. I will. I don’t like Ven.” Vanitas flips him off on his way which makes Sora roll his eyes. 

Even the blind and deaf could see Van had a thing for Ven but he supposed Van still wanted to live in a fantasy world. He wonders if his crush on Riku had been as loud. Boredom makes him open up social media and he flies to Riku’s account to look at his pictures and his status updates. His heart shatters when he notes Riku just posted about going to the fair in town with Kairi and Naminé. 

“I wanna go,” he mutters before texting Kairi. 

_ S: You’re going to the fair??  _ __   
_ K: Sora, where are you?  _ __   
_ S: I wanna go :(  _ __   
_ K: You can come too where are you? _ __   
_ S: The library _ __   
_ K: Lol hiding?  _ __   
_ S: No _ __   
_ K: Sure Sora. If you want to come you can but we’re leaving soon so you better get out here _ __   
_ S: Where are you? _ __   
_ K: Parking lot with Riku. He’s driving.  _ __   
_ S: What if he doesn’t want me to come? _ __   
_ K: He won’t care if you come, Sora, Riku’s not that mean  _ __   
_ S: But we’re fighting  _ __   
_ K: You boys give me a headache.  _ __   
_ K: Do you want me to  _ _ ask _ _ him?  _ _   
_ __ S: Yes

He wants to know if Riku really doesn’t want him to go or if Riku can rise above the situation. Fear grips his entire being as he worries Riku would rather have him stay on campus away from them. 

_ K: We’re driving to the library to pick you up. Be outside.  _ __   
  


Relief. 

Sora leaps to his feet and races back downstairs to wait outside for them to pick him up. Riku’s car pulls up and Sora takes a deep breath to remain calm before sliding in next to Riku. The girls are in the back and Riku has some music on. 

“Kpop?” he asks Riku but Riku makes a vague gesture back at the girls. “Oh, right.” 

“We’re meeting Roxas and Axel there, too,” Kairi says once they’re on the way. “It’ll be fun.” 

“Yeah,” Sora mutters, his eyes trailing over Riku and how he’s sitting with his jaw set and eyes on the road. He can practically feel the car vibrate with tension. “Fun.” 

* * *

  
  


_ Thank you _ .

After seeing Saïx the night before Axel had gone home and stared up into the void over his bed wishing for death. He’d almost forgotten all about the kiss and about Roxas whispering  _ thank you  _ afterward but now they’re together at a fair – currently alone – and it’s the  _ only _ thing he can think about.

They haven’t talked about it – haven’t even mentioned it yet but he wants to say something. They’re waiting on the others to show up and Roxas is on his phone. Maybe he should say something.

“Uh, Rox…” Axel says slowly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What?” Roxas replies, eyes still on his phone.

“About… last night…”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-.” He coughs and wishes this were easier; hell, he wishes Roxas would look at him. “Did you wanna talk about it or just ignore it?”

“Talk about what?”

Ouch.

“The… kiss…” Axel says slowly and quietly, his face burning bright red. “I kinda wanted to talk about it.”

Roxas finally glances up from his phone and Axel can feel his metaphorical feet being swept out from under him. Roxas’ blue eyes are worse than plunging to an icy death. “What about it?”

‘Well, it happened and we haven’t discussed it,” Axel points out carefully. “You said… thank you… and I’m not sure what to do with that information.”

Roxas snorts and his cheeks turn bright pink. “I meant what I said. Thanks for the kiss.”

“Uh- okay- do you want to do it again?” Axel asks slowly and part of him is afraid to know the answer. What if Roxas doesn’t want to kiss again? What if he had one shot and completely blew it on a crappy kiss in a nightclub?

“Maybe,” Roxas replies and then turns his gaze back to his phone.

Axel’s fairly certain he can feel his entire soul exit his body and fly out into the ether.

_ Maybe _ .

Maybe Roxas wants to kiss again;  _ maybe he wants to kiss again _ or maybe he doesn’t. Stress tangles his stomach into angry knots and he wants to throw up. The group shows up a while later and Roxas immediately starts to talk to Sora while Riku looks as if he’s ready to run away which is curious. Naminé and Kairi are already holding hands, putting fair bracelets on each other’s wrists, and heading inside.

“Guys wait!” Sora calls while he helps Roxas put on his bracelet. “Just gonna go without us, Kairi?”

“Maybe,” Kairi replies and Axel can’t really blame her. They’re all complete idiots and the girls probably want peace and quiet.

He places a heavy hand on Sora’s shoulder. “How about we let them do what they want?” he says and Kairi looks thankful when she looks up and up at him.

“But we were all going together,” Sora says and he looks sad and pouty but when does Sora not seem sad and pouty?

“We were but then Axel and Roxas were coming and Riku is here and- Sora, I’m on a date, so, I have to go do that, okay?” Kairi turns to return to Naminé. “We’ll meet up for food later. Okay?”

Sora sighs. “Fine.”

“Why the long face?” Axel asks. “Don’t you like hanging out with Riku alone?”

Sora looks up at him and glowers. “He’s mad at me.”

“Why?”

“I messed up last night, that’s why. He probably would rather hang out with Roxas than me.”

“Well,” Axel muses. “That  _ is _ saying something.”

Roxas and Riku don’t exactly see eye to eye on anything and hardly ever want anything to do with one another. They only reluctantly pretend to get along when Sora is involved because they’re both in Sora’s life. If Roxas had a choice, however, he would definitely sell Riku to the Devil for one Klondike bar.

Sora shoves his hands into his pockets and is immediately met by Roxas. They go into the fair together which quickly leaves Axel alone with Riku. He’s never really spoken to Riku outside of social engagements so they both awkwardly fall into step together but don’t say anything. Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover the situation.

“And then there were two,” Axel mutters while he watches Sora drag Roxas ahead to stand in line for the first ride. The ride itself looks like something out of a bad horror film with its rickety structure and too dangerous heights.

“Sora,” Riku calls.

Sora turns back around and his face lights up when Riku says his name. Axel can practically feel the gay pining. “Yeah?”

“You’re not riding that. C’mon.” He gestures for Sora to step out of line but Axel can see the stubbornness fall over Roxas’ face. He won’t let Riku tell him what to do. “Thing doesn’t look safe.”

“He can do what he wants,” Roxas says immediately and steps between them.

“Rox…” Axel says as his eyes turn to look the ride over. It really doesn’t look safe.

“It’s okay,” Sora says to Roxas, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Riku’s  _ probably _ right. He used to work at the fair one summer, remember?”

“I guess,” Roxas mutters.

“C’mon, we can do something else.” Sora takes Roxas’ arm and they’re off into the crowd again. For once, Axel is glad to be tall.

“Keep it up, he’ll think you’re a grandpa,” Axel says and reaches over to tweak Riku’s already white hair.

Riku shoves his hand off and rolls his eyes in response. “I’d rather have him be safe and thinking I’m being strict than have him hurt because I just let him do something dangerous.”

“He is an adult,” Axel points out. “He can make his own decisions.”

Riku snorts. “Sora doesn’t always make the best decisions.”

Well, Riku has a point there. Axel nods in acquiesce and notes the boys have finally found a new line to stand in. This time, they’ve decided to stand in line for the Ferris Wheel which Axel isn’t sure is any safer but he definitely doesn’t want to spend the entire ride trapped in a cab with Riku.

“Who’s riding with who?” he asks once they’re caught up and in line together. He turns his eyes skyward and usually heights are not an issue but even for him, the Ferris Wheel is  _ high _ .

“I’ll ride with Riku,” Sora says immediately which is a complete relief. He glances over at Riku to gauge his feelings on the matter but he’s standing with his arms crossed and his face blank.

“Okay, I’ll ride with Rox,” Axel replies and his mind does a quick dive into the gutter. Making out on top of the Ferris Wheel would absolutely help take his mind off of the height. As soon as the thought comes to fruition, Axel beats himself up for being so disgusting; Roxas is his friend and they kissed once. Roxas  _ maybe _ wanted to kiss again.

Just kiss.

Not make out. Just kiss.

“Axel,” Roxas calls and he blinks. The line has moved and it’s their turn.

“Oh, sorry.” He blushes and ducks his way into the small compartment opposite Roxas, only vaguely listening to the rules. They seem self explanatory. Don’t rock, don’t jump out, don’t try to climb the Ferris Wheel like a monkey. He’d have to be struck on the head with a mallet to do something so stupid.

The door shuts and they slowly start to move. Roxas leans close to the window and waves down at Sora and Riku who are still waiting. Axel smiles a little at Roxas and realizes his entire heart is mush. He almost forgets all about Saïx the other night.

Almost.

_ “Saïx,” he gasps, eyes widening at the sight of an ex he hadn’t expected to see. _

_ “It’s good to see you,” Saïx purrs. “What are you doing here?” _

_ “I’m- here with a friend. What are  _ you _ doing here?” Saïx had never seemed like a clubbing guy but he’s dressed in black clothing so tight there is no room for imagination. _

_ “I was in the neighborhood. Felt lonely. Thought I’d stop by.” Saïx shrugs one shoulder casually. _

_ Axel glances around and tries to see if there’s anyone else around – he doesn’t need to see Xemnas or his crowd. “Alone?” _

_ “Tonight, yes.” _

_ “Still with them?” _

_ Saïx nods. “You could come back to us, you know. We miss you, Lea.” _

“Axel?”

Roxas’ voice is the grounding light in the sea of darkness his mind is currently trekking through and he reaches out to grasp on and pull himself free. It hurts. “Yeah?”

“You okay, man?”

He looks over to Roxas but then turns his eyes back down to the ground as they inch higher. “No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Ran into someone the other night. Someone I didn’t expect to see… Shook me up.”

“Who?”

He sighs. “Saïx.”

“ _ Saïx _ ? Why didn’t you tell me? Axel!” Roxas reaches across the small space and touches his knee. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I kissed you,” he whispers. “I kissed you and might have screwed everything up. I didn’t want to ask for your help when I thought I messed up.”

Roxas blushes and pulls his hand back into his own orbit. “Right.”

“Look, I’m sorry I screwed up.” Axel slowly lets his head rest against the window of the Ferris Wheel compartment. “I won’t bring it up ever again.”

Roxas drums his fingers over his thighs and they fall into silence for a while. When they reach the top, Roxas looks down and Axel has to shut his eyes. They are up  _ way  _ too high. The cacophony of the fair fades while he tries to ignore how they’re suspended delicately in the air.

“Axel, you didn’t mess anything up between us,” Roxas says which is a soothing balm to his soul but he’s still too afraid to open his eyes. “I was just surprised, that’s all… The kiss was nice.”

Maybe he’ll open his eyes just a smidge. “Nice?”

“Yeah.”

“And maybe you’d do it again?”

Roxas snorts. “Yeah, maybe I’d do it again. I’m not into  _ dating _ , you know that.”

“I know- I- I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to,” Axel gasps and wishes he could lunge across the space and beg to be accepted. He wants Roxas’ attention so badly; like a craving, he can never really satisfy.

“As long as you know that,” Roxas says slowly. “I guess we could… be… friends with benefits.” Roxas shrugs and Axel wants to fling himself into the sun. Friends with benefits sound so noncommittal but who is he to look this horse in its mouth?

“Okay,” he agrees. “What does that mean exactly?”

“We… are physical,” Roxas says slowly. “In private.”

“Private, right.” Axel nods in agreement but only so he can solidify the concept in his own brain. The Ferris Wheel shifts them down and they begin to descend. For some reason, Axel has a feeling the ride back down is going to feel much shorter.

“Is that alright with you?” Roxas prompts slowly.

“Y-yeah- Sure. Of course.”

Intimate with Roxas in private but not in public. He assumes Roxas won’t want to tell anyone or say anything. Part of him feels like a dirty secret but he keeps those thoughts to himself or he really will ruin everything between them. Once they touch the ground, Kairi and Naminé appear and wave them over. They have plates of food in their hands.

“Guys! Come eat!” Kairi calls and Roxas waves in return.

“Be there soon!” Roxas calls.

Kairi points to where they’re headed but Axel can’t bring his legs to move forward. He stares at the spot Roxas used to occupy and feels his entire world buckle from beneath him. In a way, he’s getting exactly what he wants but not in the way he expected.

“Coming, Axel?” Riku asks while he starts following the group.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “I’ll be there in a second.”

“Okay.”

Axel swallows a lump forming in his throat and zips up his jacket in order to hide. He doesn’t know what pulls on his heartstrings so hard or why he feels so empty and afraid.

_ Axel _ , he hears the voice call so soft and gentle against his ear.  _ Please, wake up.  _

“Wish I could,” he mutters back before following the others.

* * *

 

Riku is quiet on their way up to the top of the Ferris Wheel, his arms crossed over his chest, legs spread in the space, and staring out at the fair. Sora doesn’t like when Riku pouts but at the same time, he wants to kiss the pout right off of his lips. The silence is grating but he’d volunteered to ride with Riku so they could potentially talk about the other night.

“You didn’t want me to come, did you?” he finally decides to ask Riku and fill the silence. “You just wanted to go with Kairi and Naminé. Right?” He’s afraid of confirmation but he also needs to know if Riku even wanted him around.

“Sora…” Riku lets out a long and exhausted sigh like he’s tired from just hearing Sora talk. He makes a mental note to shut up. “Did I ever say I didn’t want you to come?”

“You won’t talk to me, Riku. Won’t even look at me.”

“I didn’t fight you on wanting to sit on this ride, did I?” Riku asks, voice sharp and cutting. “If I didn’t want you here, I wouldn’t have picked you up at the library.”

Sora angrily copies Riku’s pose and folds his arms across his chest. “You won’t even talk to me about what happened, I can’t even apologize.”

“Is this why you wanted to ride this with me? To torture me with a conversation?” Riku asks and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“No, I wanted to ride with you because you’re my friend and I thought I mattered to you!” Sora shouts and then slams his hands over his mouth because he didn’t mean to yell.

Riku’s eyes turn sad and he glances down at his lap. “Sora, you  _ do _ matter to me which is why last night hurt so much.”

“What?”

“Last night, you were drunk and you kissed me… Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for that to happen and to think it only happened because you were  _ drunk _ ?” Riku shakes his head and silver hair slips into his face as he hides. “Sucks.”

Of all of the explanations he could have heard and concocted in his brain, the one coming out of Riku’s mouth doesn’t even make the thought process. He blinks a few times to try and parse through what Riku said and opens his mouth and closes it again. “You… you- wait- you think I only did it because I was drunk? Not because I wanted to?”

“Well, didn’t you?!” Riku demands, the pain in his voice cutting right through Sora’s heart.

“Riku, I like you,” he says and hopes he sounds as sincere as he feels. “I didn’t kiss you just because I was drunk- I mean, I did kiss you  _ because _ I was drunk but- but I still  _ like _ you. I wanted to kiss you, I’ve  _ been _ wanting to kiss you but I guess I could only do it drunk.”

Riku doesn’t say anything and Sora slowly glances up from where he’d been staring at his lap. The look on Riku’s face is one of complete shock. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth is gaping open while his turquoise eyes are glazed over in surprise.

“Riku?”

“You… No. No, you can’t like me, Sora.” Riku shakes his head in sudden denial. “I’m not- I’m not good enough for you!”

“Riku!”

“I’m awful. I don’t treat you well and I’m just not a good guy. You deserve someone who is going to treat you right. You’re lying.” Riku’s staring at him and there’s a plea in his eyes for the words to be true. Sora understands; if the words are true then they don’t have to do anything about these feelings they’re both having and can go on about their lives but if they are true then they have to do something about it.

“None of that is true,” Sora shuts down immediately. “You are a good guy and you do treat me well!”

“I haven’t been doing a good job-.”

“But you understand that and are changing, right?” he points out. “People make mistakes Riku. One mistake shouldn’t mean you have to pay a penance for the rest of your life.”

Riku blinks in surprise and even Sora’s shocked at his own use of the word penance. Maybe he’s smarter than he gives himself credit or maybe he’s been hanging with Riku so much some of his smarts rubbed off.

“Wow,” Riku whispers. “That was pretty deep, Sora.”

“Yeah- weird. It won’t happen again, probably.” He snorts and rubs the back of his head in embarrassment. “Riku, I really like you. What can I do to make you believe me? I’d kiss you again but we’re kinda-.”

Riku’s fingers wrap around the chain on Sora’s neck and tug him forward until their mouths crush together in a bruise worthy kiss. His eyes widen but eventually close while his mouth opens in response to let Riku in. Riku kisses hard, his tongue and lips moving with eager desperation. They only break free when the ride shifts them down and then they’re apart like shrapnel.

Riku sits with a red face, hiding behind his hair, his hand behind his head while Sora feels his own face turn just as red and his eyes search for anything to look at besides Riku. When they touch down again, Sora notes Roxas and Axel heading away from the ride. Kairi and Naminé are waving them over for food and Sora quickly rushes to catch up with Roxas.

_ We kissed _ , he thinks and his stomach flutters with a million butterflies.  _ We really kissed. _

“You look happy,” Kairi says. “What’s up?”

Sora smiles dreamily as his eyes follow Riku to where he’s looking at the various food options. “Oh, just having a good day.”

“Yeah?” Kairi asks. “Better than this morning?”

“Definitely.” His stomach lurches and growls and he glances down and realizes he hasn’t eaten all day. It’s a wonder he’s a little nauseated on top of flying on top of the world. Fair food probably isn’t the best hangover food or maybe it’s the best – he has no idea.

“You should eat,” Kairi says.

“Right. Sure.” Sora flits off to stand near Riku and wait to be noticed. He wants to take Riku’s hand to hold but fights the urge. Just because they kissed – twice now – doesn’t mean they’re dating. “Hey.”

Riku startles and immediately turns pink. “Hi.”

“That was a good kiss… Just so you know.”

Riku coughs and looks completely embarrassed. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like really good- like totally repeat-worthy, maybe when we’re on the ground.” Sora looks to Riku shyly. “Maybe?”

Riku smiles and nods. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Okay…”

“Sora, I’m sorry. For being a jerk. Again.” Riku slides his hand to Sora’s shoulder and Sora shivers. Every touch feels ten thousand times more intimate now.

“It’s okay, Riku, I get it. You were upset. You had a  _ right _ to be upset. I’m sorry I probably humiliated you at the club.” Sora ducks his head and tries to avoid eye contact. When does he  _ not _ humiliate Riku in public?

“A little but we’ve all done stupid stuff while drunk,” Riku replies quickly. “I’m not mad. Are you mad at me?”

“No!”

“Okay… Good. You- you left breakfast this morning. Have you eaten?” Riku steps even closer until they’re almost hip to hip. “You really should eat something.”

“I didn’t bring any money,” Sora replies with a big, dorky but embarrassed smile.

“I’ll pay. We did pick you up out of the blue.” Riku gestures at the various food options. “You pick, I buy.”

“Is this a date?” Sora asks slowly which makes Riku blush even more and he ducks behind the curtain of his hair. Making Riku blush is both satisfying and awful because all he wants to do is smooch Riku’s nose.

“I guess,” Riku mumbles. “If you want it to be.”

“Okay.” Shyly, he slips his hand into Riku’s and notices Riku’s palms are sweaty but doesn’t say anything. He can feel his face burning at holding his best friend’s hand in a not friend capacity but he refuses to back down. This is a date. They’re dating now.

Dating.

He can’t believe he’s so lucky.

_ Sora! _

The voice makes him startle and Riku frowns and immediately turns his attention on him. “Sora? What’s wrong?”

_ Sora, wake up! Please, you have to wake up! I can’t let you go, wake up, Sora! _

“Do you hear that?” he asks while the world feels extremely wobbly.

“Sora.” Riku stares at him but his face looks far away as if he’s down a black tunnel. His voice fades out and then there is nothing at all.


	4. Chapter 4

The sky bleeds crimson as the sun slowly sinks down to the horizon and the moon rises in her silver glory overhead. Riku turns his gaze slowly up to the sky twinkling with a forming blanket of stars. The air brushing his hair back smells of salt and is warm against his cold cheeks. He’s sure someone will eventually come looking for him but he relishes the feeling of being alone just a little longer.

“Riku,” comes Kairi’s soft voice. He doesn’t turn around but he’s listening. “Come back inside.”

“I’m fine,” he replies while his eyes stare out at the ocean. The waves are so calm and they remind him of a home he once cast aside. Tears sting the back of his eyes but he pushes the feeling back far down his gullet. There is no time for tears.

“You’re not,” Kairi replies and her voice is fierce as she comes to stand at his side. “None of us are but you most of us… Please, come inside.” She holds out her hand for him to take but he keeps his steadfastly at his side. “Riku…”

The waves crash and whisper across the sand and the tall white city behind him stands beautiful in the moonlight but everything feels cold and empty. There is no light on the horizon, just unending darkness. Fear grips his heart as he worries the darkness may come for him again; is he still too weak to fight it?

“I did this to him,” he whispers. “It’s my fault he won’t come back.”

“Stop that,” Kairi snaps. “That’s not true! Sora would never blame you for this!”

“He let the darkness come to him for  _ me _ .” Riku turns to face her and the tears once burning his eyes begin to fall against his will. “He faced it and now he’s…”

“Asleep,” Kairi replies. “He’ll come back. We just have to wake him up. It’s not your fault he’s like this. Axel is, too! Do you blame yourself for Axel?”

Riku opens his mouth but then slowly lets it close. No, of course, he doesn’t blame himself for Axel being in the same predicament as Sora; trapped in their minds and dreaming peacefully. No matter how many times he’s tried to cross over into Sora’s dream to drag him back, he’s not been able to successfully pull him free of the darkness.

“I didn’t think so,” Kairi says. “You didn’t do this to him. If he were awake right now, he’d be mad at you for blaming yourself like this.”

Riku sighs and turns away so he can clear his face and regain composure. She’s right. Sora would be furious to hear him talk so poorly about himself. “He deserves better than me,” he says after a moment. “Why does he dream of me like this? I don’t understand.”

Kairi places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “Riku, you know the answer to that question. I know you do. Look in your heart.”

The words leave him anxious in his stomach and hurting in his heart. He knows the answer, yes, but he doesn’t want it to be true because if it’s true then how can he ever measure up? He wants to pull from her touch but instead, he leans back into it to garner strength and comfort.

“Sora loves you, Riku. He always has.”

Love.

A word he’s never acquainted with himself in the past. How could Sora love  _ him _ ? He’s had so many mistakes and fumbles along the road. He’s not even sure he deserves the title of Keyblade Master. The worst part is his own heart is cleaved in two as he thinks on how much he loves Sora in return. Seeing him helpless and trapped breaks the last bits of his soul into shattered mosaic pieces. Sora’s put him back together so many times and for once, Riku wants to help Sora.

He owes him that much.

“I think you should talk to Roxas,” Kairi says slowly which is a bizarre suggestion considering their history. “I think he could help you parse through your feelings better than I can. You’re both in a similar boat.”

Riku sighs because she’s right. “I guess.”

She leans close to press a soft kiss to his cheek. “It’ll be okay. Sora will come home.”

Riku nods but he’s not sure what he believes. She slowly pulls away and he’s left alone on the beach. He stretches out his left and the keyblade appears in hand at will. He stares at the blade and turns it around in the light.

What makes a good Keyblade Master and why did he have the title when Sora didn’t? Anger fills his core and he throws the keyblade to the ground and stomps away. Moments later, the key returns to his palm even as he wants to reject it and send it far away.

“I don’t deserve you!” he growls at the blade and tries to throw it away again. It returns moments later. Shuddering, Riku sends the blade away as he storms back toward the city. Roxas is always up at the highest point, staring up at the stars. Riku can only assume he longs for Twilight Town’s clock tower even if it must hurt him to know Axel is not awake to join him in an ice cream treat.

The walk up to the top is a long one and leaves him alone with thoughts he doesn’t want to have. Thoughts of Sora, thoughts of Sora loving him, and thoughts of Sora never waking again. By the time he’s standing behind Roxas he can feel the urge to breakdown and cry so deeply he almost loses his last strings of composure completely.

“What do you want?” Roxas asks, not bothering to turn around.

Riku flinches a little and keeps to his spot even though he wants to collapse. “I know you don’t like me but Kairi said I should talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re in the same boat,” he replies quietly. “You’re learning things about Axel you never knew and I’m learning about Sora. We’re in the same boat.”

Roxas snorts and wraps his arms around his knees as he pulls them close to his chest. “Whatever.”

Riku decides to take that as permission to sit and he sits at Roxas’ side but not too close. He leaves enough space for both of them to run away if necessary. “I never knew he felt like that about me,” he starts slowly. “I always thought it was just me.”

Roxas shifts slightly and glances over at him. “You have feelings for him, too?”

Riku nods. “It hurts so much… He deserves more than this- more than me.” Riku clenches his hand into a fist and his wrist aches at the motion. “He could have Kairi or anyone but he picked me. I don’t understand.”

“You’re his light,” Roxas replies slowly.

The words are like a sucker punch and he looks over at Roxas in surprise. “What?”

“You’re Sora’s light. He’ll find it in the dark. He’ll come back.”

Roxas’ words touch him deep inside and make him soft. He’s surprised to hear Roxas be so positive to his face considering how much Roxas hates him. “How do you know?” he whispers.

“Because I see how you look at him and how looks at you,” Roxas replies. “I was in Sora’s heart, you know. I was dormant but I also know how he feels about you.”

If anyone knows Sora’s feelings, it’s definitely Roxas; they’ve been intertwined for years and now they’re two separate people but they were still one person for the longest time. Riku stares at him and is unable to form words.

“I know your feelings for him, too,” Roxas continues. “And they’re true… Just keep trying. He’ll wake up.”

He wants to say something positive in return so Roxas doesn’t feel so sad. He can see the pain in Roxas’ eyes and Riku knows the worry of losing the most important person in the world. “So will Axel,” he says firmly. “You just have to keep trying.”

Roxas shakes his head and looks away, his legs still pulled tight to his chest. “I never knew,” he admits with so much sadness Riku can feel his own heart break. “I didn’t know how he felt. I’ve  _ never _ felt these things before… Ever. Love? Crushing on someone? Wanting someone? I’ve never had that before.”

“And now?”

“Now… I don’t know! I don’t understand!” Roxas lets his legs drop and he pulls at his hair in frustration. “I don’t get it! Axel is my  _ best _ friend but I’ve never thought we could be  _ more _ . And now… he… He really wants that… What did Master Yen Sid say? The dreams they’re having show their greatest desires and worst fears?”

Riku nods. “Yes.”

“Axel wants me but he’s afraid I don’t want him back… He’s afraid of the darkness in Organization XIII. He’s afraid of his  _ own _ darkness,” Roxas whispers. “But, to me, Axel’s never had a lot of darkness. Maybe once upon a time ago he did but not  _ now _ ! Now he’s a Guardian of Light! He has a  _ keyblade _ ! I’m so proud of him.”

“He’s come a long way,” Riku agrees softly.

Roxas drops his head and shoulders, staring down at his lap. “I don’t know what to do. I want to bring him back but I have no idea how.”

“Me neither.”

“I can’t… I can’t  _ lose Axel _ . Not after coming back- not- not after he lost me for so long.” Roxas wraps his arms around himself and Riku wants to reach out to comfort him but he holds back. Roxas may not want his comfort or touch. “I… I care about him so much.”

“He cares about you,” Riku insists. “Every conversation we had would lead back to you somehow.”

Roxas looks up at him and Riku can see the broken stars in his eyes. The ocean blue wells with threatening tears. “I don’t understand why he feels so much for me.”

“I don’t understand why Sora feels so much for me either. I’m just as confused as you.”

“I don’t  _ want _ these feelings,” Roxas growls. “They’re frustrating and- and strange. I don’t like it.”

Riku chuckles and turns his eyes up to the sky, swinging his legs casually. “Yeah,” he replies. “They are.”

“It’s not funny.”

“I’m not laughing at you… Just… you’re right. These feelings, the feelings that are deeper than friendship but maybe not quite over the threshold of romantic partner are strange. That’s what crushes are… Really weird and uncomfortable.” The moon stares down at them in all of her silvery glory and Riku tries to draw strength from her light.

“Wish I could put it back where it came from,” Roxas grumbles.

Riku looks over at him and his lips tug up into a small smile. “Axel will come back.”

“How do you  _ know _ ?”

“You’re his light.”

Roxas freezes and Riku hears him gasp softly. “What?”

“You’re the light Axel clings to,” Riku continues. “You’re his light in the darkness. You just have to keep reaching.”

They make slow and reluctant eye contact and Roxas looks so thankful Riku wishes he could capture the moment forever to plaster all over the walls of the castle. “Thank you,” Roxas whispers.

Riku nods and they fall into a surprisingly comfortable silence. Riku turns his gaze back to the sky and thinks on times when he and Sora would stretch out on the beach of the island and look up at the stars together. Sora always loved looking at the stars. Tears slowly slide down Riku’s cheeks as he remembers their childhood together. Sometimes, he wishes he could return to that innocence but they’re so different now.

He wants to prove to Sora how much he’s grown – how much he’s changed.

He wants Sora to know he feels the same exact way.

An idea strikes him then and he quickly stands. “I have to go,” he says.

“Where are you going?” Roxas asks.

“I’ll return. I- I have to go home.” Riku turns and starts to run back down to where he can find the King and the gummiship. He needs to go back to Destiny Islands. There is something there he needs to bring back with him.

_ I’m coming for you, Sora. _

* * *

 

“Sora, Sora, hey- look at me- wake up- Sora!”

The world slowly comes back as he sits up and Riku’s face comes into view. There is fear and worry in his eyes and he’s cold and clammy across his entire body. Strong arms help him sit up and Riku waves people off to give him room and air.

“I fainted,” he whispers while he tries to keep from throwing up. Nausea grips his stomach tight.

“Yes,” Riku says. “Are you alright?”

“I don’t know… I know I don’t feel good.”

“Here, can you get up?” Riku asks and places a steadying hand on his back while the other holds onto his hand to help him stand slowly. “Sora?”

“I’m okay,” he replies even though he still feels ready to upchuck any moment. “I need to sit down.”

“Alright.” Riku guides him over to a picnic bench to sit and he straddles the same bench right across from him, one hand on his waist, and the other on his shoulder. He would feel some type of way about Riku’s hand on his waist if he didn’t feel so sick.

“I feel really sick,” he admits shyly.

“You haven’t eaten, you need to eat.” Riku’s hand cups his cheek and then feels his forehead. “You’re not feverish. It’s probably your hangover coming to bite you.”

Kairi has pushed her way through the crowd and is offering Riku a lemonade. “Here, have him drink this. It has a lot of sugar.”

“Here, Sora,” Riku says softly and presses the straw to his lips.

Sora sucks the liquid down slowly while his body feels extremely weak and exhausted. All he wants to do is sleep; throw up first and then sleep. Riku’s hands remain on him, one on his hip and the other on his shoulder to help hold him steady while he drinks the lemonade down. The sugary drink helps him feel less shaky but once it’s gone he leans forward heavily against Riku’s chest; partially so he has an excuse to lean on Riku and partially because he wants to be supported.

Riku startles a little but his arm slowly wraps around him and shifts them both so they can stop straddling the bench and sit properly with Sora leaning into his chest. “You feel better?” Riku asks softly.

Sora buries his face against Riku’s neck and feels his heart patter against his chest as he breathes in Riku’s smell; leather and something surprisingly soft and fruity. Maybe the body wash in the shower. They both like to smell like fruit and florals. In Sora’s opinion, girls have  _ way  _ better scents in the body wash department.

“Yeah,” he says softly, still clinging and snuggling against Riku. He’s vaguely aware they’re in public and people can see him being worse than an abandoned kitten but he doesn’t care. Riku is his boyfriend and he can snuggle if he wants.

“Good.” Riku’s fingers trail upward to stroke his hair. “I want to get you something to eat but that means I have to get up.”

Sora moans and clings harder but eventually pries away and rests his head on his arms on the table. “Hurry up.”

Riku bends down to kiss his temple before leaving him at the table alone.

Not alone.

Kairi’s weight quickly shifts beside him. “ _ Sora _ ,” she gasps. “First of all, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I feel better now. Thanks for the lemonade, Kairi.”

“Good- secondly-  _ you and Riku oh my God _ .” She giggles and claps her hands together. “I’m  _ so _ glad. If you guys had pined any harder, I would have lost my mind.”

Sora blushes and ducks his head. “Yeah, it’s nice.”

“Good. I’m so happy for you.” Kairi hugs his side. “I’ll let you get back to snuggling Riku now.”

Sora waves Kairi off and waits for Riku to return. He can’t keep the smile off his face so he buries his head in the arms of his hoodie so he can hide his face. Eventually, the feeling of Riku joining him makes him look up and he notes Riku’s bought him some large chicken tenders and fries drizzled in sea salt and vinegar. Some of his favorites.

“Mmm, thanks, Riku,” Sora muses while immediately attaching to his side like an octopus. His nose finds its way to Riku’s neck and nuzzles against his pulse. Being this close, he can feel Riku shiver and notes the goosebumps rising up on his skin. He smells like vanilla and coconut in this spot and the scent is intoxicating.

“Sora,” Riku mutters, voice deep and rumbly, Sora can feel it through his clothing. “You need to eat.”

“I know,” Sora replies and presses one kiss to the pulse at Riku’s neck before turning back to start eating slow. His hands are still shaky but he doesn’t feel as ill or wobbly like earlier.

Riku’s hand rests on his back throughout their meal together which brings warmth to Sora’s entire core.  Having Riku touch him now is so intimate and he never wants to stop. His eyes drift over to his friends and Naminé is talking Roxas’ ear off while Axel is staring at his plate, food completely untouched, which is not at all like Axel. He frowns and startles when in a blink Axel’s appearance changes completely; instead of wearing a t-shirt, he’s dressed in a black, leather trench coat. Beneath his eyes are upside down teardrops and his face is just as blank and empty as it is now.

“Uh…” Sora drops the chicken tender in his hand and blinks a few more times but the image doesn’t fade. “Riku.”

“What?” Riku turns to see where he’s looking. “What’s wrong?”

“Do you see Axel?”

“Yes, I see him. What about him?”

“What’s he wearing?”

Riku pauses. “What?”

“What is he wearing?”

“A… black t-shirt- Sora, are you alright?” Riku’s fingers twitch along his back as he worries but Sora can’t make the image disappear.

Eventually, Axel’s sharp green gaze flicks over to them and he raises an eyebrow at Sora’s staring. He reaches up to rub his eyes and tries to make it go away because he must still be affected by the fainting spell.

“Sora,” Riku says and grips his shoulder tight. “What’s wrong?”

“I… don’t know…” Sora whispers and he frowns when he feels something heavy sift into his pocket. He turns his eyes from Axel and slowly slides his hand to touch whatever is resting in his jacket pocket. His fingers wrap around the object and slowly he pulls it free and his eyes widen at what he’s holding.

“Sora?” Riku calls but his voice is so far away. “Sora.”

In his hand rests a five-pointed star charm. It’s made of white shells and in the middle is a silver key-shaped trinket. His thumb brushes over the key and the world seems to change into darkness. The fair fades away and suddenly he’s standing on a stained glass disc. When he looks down, his eyes widen at the image of Riku beneath his feet surrounded by shades of blue and green stained glass. 

_ Sora! _

“Riku?” he calls into the dark, turning in a confused circle. “Riku, where are you?”

_ Sora, follow my voice! _

Sora frowns but starts to run but the disc isn’t large enough to go far. He runs around it in a circle until he ends up where he started. There is no sign of Riku, just darkness all around. “Riku!”

_ Sora, please, follow me! I’m right here! _

“Where?” Sora asks as he spins around in circles trying to find Riku in the shadows but there is no one there. Just him. “Riku!”

_ Sora, don’t let the darkness take you! _

“What are you  _ talking _ about? Riku,  _ where are you _ ?” A sound of something hitting the glass makes Sora spin around in alarm but it’s not Riku. The creature resting on the glass is all black with yellow, glowing eyes. In a way, it’s cute but there is a menacing quality to the creature which sends fear directly to his heart.

_ Fight, Sora. _

Sora frowns because he has no weapons in hand. He can’t fight – why should he fight? What is going on? His hands shakily go to his head and he holds it, pressing his hands against his ears in agony. An agonized scream lets loose like a cannon into the shadows and Riku’s voice fades from his mind as he comes crashing back into reality.

“Sora!” Riku’s hand is tight on his shoulder and his voice is full of fear. “Hey, are you okay? Maybe I should take you to the hospital-.”

Sora blinks as he stares at his palm but it’s empty – there is no five-pointed charm and he’s probably just been staring at his palm for who knows how long. Riku is clearly worried. “I’m okay,” he says quickly and looks up at into Riku’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine. Sorry- I just spaced out.”

“You’re  _ sure _ ?” Riku asks.

“I’m sure. Sorry. I promise I’m okay.” Confused but at least he’s whole and he hasn’t fainted for a second time.

“Maybe we should go home, I’m sure Axel and Roxas can take the girls back…” Riku says slowly. “You should rest.”

“I’m  _ fine _ , Riku,” Sora insists even though going home sounds like a good plan. He has no idea what is going on but he’s afraid it will keep happening with higher frequency.

“Let’s go home,” Riku says. “I’d feel better if you were resting.”

Sora sighs but nods. “Fine. Make sure the girls can get a ride with Axel first.”

“I will.”

Sora watches Riku leap to his feet to go and check while he frantically searches all of his pockets but there is nothing. He has no charm and he can’t even completely remember what it looked like. Riku returns to his side and helps him stand up so they can start going back to the car. The fair wasn’t a complete bust, considering they’re not  _ dating _ but he feels bad for ruining the fun.

“Riku,” he says once Riku helps him into the car.

“Yeah, Sora?”

“I’m sorry for ruining everything.”

“What-  _ no _ . Sora.” Riku takes his hand and brings it to his lips for a soft kiss. “You haven’t ruined  _ anything _ . If anyone is ruining stuff, ti’s  _ me _ . I just want you to be safe.”

Sora smiles slightly and blushes when Riku kisses his hand again. “Okay.”

They stare at each for a moment before Riku blushes and releases his hand so they can drive back to campus. Sora rests his head on the window and tries to stay awake. He’s afraid of falling asleep and what his dreams will bring him but the urge to sleep is too great so he lets his eyes close heavily.

_ Sora _ , Riku’s voice returns softly.  _ Please, I need you. _

* * *

 

Ocean water ripples in violence when Riku chucks another stone in anger and rage. Sora is still asleep. Despite his trip back to Destiny Islands to make him a wayfinder charm and bring it back. He’s still  _ asleep _ . 

“You made him a wayfinder,” Kairi remarks as she comes to join him on the shore.

Riku continues his mission in throwing stones back into the water. The motions are angry and aggressive but building frustration is better taken out on things he cannot harm. “Yeah,” he grunts coldly.

“Did you leave it in his dream?” Kairi asks.

“He held it and I thought I had him,” Riku snarls. “But he fell back under. I can’t  _ grasp _ on tight enough. He won’t come to me. Agh!” He yells as he throws the last stone into the water with a ferocious swing. The water splashes dramatically but he’s still angry despite trying to take it out on the stones.

“Give it time, Riku,” Kairi urges.

“I  _ have _ . He’s been like this for a week! I’ve done everything I can think of.” He fishes the wayfinder he made for himself out of his jacket pocket and runs his finger over the charm. He’d made Sora’s and fashioned a small key trinket he received from King Mickey, and then made his own with a heart charm in the middle to tie the shells together. Sora’s he left in his dream after Sora rejected the image. He hopes Sora will find it and keep it. His heart screams for Sora to return to him but he can’t seem to drag Sora home.

“He wants to stay there,” he whispers sadly. “He’s  _ happy _ there. There aren’t heartless or missions or keyblades there. He can just be  _ normal _ .”

“Sora doesn’t like being normal,” Kairi points out with a laugh. “He likes to be extraordinary. I know you know that.”

“He is,” Riku insists softly, his arm draping across his raised knee. “He’s always been extraordinary.”

“You just have to keep trying, Riku. Did you talk to Roxas?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

He shrugs. “I think it helped a little. For me, I don’t know about him.”

“Good.” Kairi hands him another stone. “He’ll come home.”

Riku stares at the smooth surface of the stone before slowly taking it in hand. “Thanks, Kairi.”

“You’re welcome.” She ruffles his hair but then quickly dashes away before he can retaliate.

Riku chuckles and sets the stone back onto the sand. He doesn’t know how he will guide Sora back but Kairi’s right – the only thing he can do is keep trying.


	5. Chapter 5

“Roxas?”

Roxas startles and spins around to see his own face staring back at him; it’s strange, even now, to see Ventus in person. His heart tugs at seeing him. They aren’t brothers but he feels as if they could be just as close. “I’m in the way,” Roxas says and quickly ducks away from the doorway of the room Axel and Sora are resting inside.

“You aren’t,” Ven replies. “You want to go in? See how they are?”

Guilt eats at Roxas because he is afraid to see Axel lying there despondent. Rationally, he knows Axel is only sleeping but seeing him so still is disturbing.

Ven holds out his hand. “I’ll go with you.”

Roxas shudders but accepts Ven’s hand so they can walk in together. Sora is unchanged, lying still on the bed, sleeping peacefully. At his bedside table is a wayfinder charm made by Riku. On his other side, Xion has left a seashell for every day Sora has been asleep. Over the bed are drawings by Naminé of Sora, his friends, and their adventures. Roxas places a hand on Sora’s ankle on his way and gives a squeeze. Sora was his connection back to the real world and he hopes he can help Sora regain his own.

On the other bed, spaced out by another nightstand is Axel. He’s almost too long for the bed and they had to put a second ottoman at the end so they could prop his feet. He’s unchanged, as well. There are shells at Axel’s side, left by Xion, and there are drawings by Naminé over his head. Roxas left Axel three winner popsicle sticks on the nightstand.

Ven grabs chairs for both of them, placing them on either side of Axel’s bed. Roxas slowly sits and grabs Axel’s hand to hold, tracing his thumb over Axel’s long fingers. His mind still swirls with the hurricane of emotions he’s been feeling after finding his way to Axel’s dream the first time. This last time had been so shocking he’d had to pull away too fast and almost passed out.

He’s always had emotions and feelings but not quite like this. Feelings of love deeper than friendship – even best friendship – is not something he ever thought he’d experience. Tears glimmer in his eyes and he’s too tired to stop them as they slide down his cheeks.

“I just want you back,” he tells Axel while holding his large hand in both of his. “Please, come back.”

Ven’s face is soft and sad while he takes Axel’s other hand. “Yeah, Lea, come back. You’re missing so much.”

“He’s not even  _ happy _ there,” Roxas says viciously. “I don’t understand! Sora’s- Sora seems happy but Axel is miserable. I don’t get it.”

Ven squeezes Axel’s hand. “Maybe he doesn’t know how to come back.”

“I’ve tried everything to get him back. I even had Isa try to help me once. I don’t know what else to do.” Roxas grips Axel’s hand harder and is tempted to kiss his cold skin. “He’s cold.”

“I’ll get another blanket.” Ven rises to his feet and leaves them alone in search of a blanket.

Roxas slowly releases Axel’s hand in favor of reaching out to touch Axel’s sharp cheekbones, tracing the soft flesh beneath his eyes lightly. The marks on his eyes are gone and he’s so proud of how far Axel has come.

“You’re so amazing, Ax,” Roxas says. “You can summon a  _ keyblade _ . You’re so great. You have so many people here rooting for you… It’s not just me who misses you, who  _ needs _ you. Xion, too! And Ven! Isa… we all want you to come home.”

Axel continues to sleep; he sleeps when Ven returns and tucks him under another blanket, he sleeps when Roxas hears himself begging for him to open his eyes, and he sleeps when Ven has to pull him from the room. Once he’s outside of the room, he runs, despite Ven calling him to come back. He runs as fast as his short legs will carry him through the halls until he’s outside and he can drag in fresh sea salt air. A wretched scream follows and his keyblade smashing into the wall over and over in rage shortly after.

He scratches and dings the wall in rage until he’s so tired he can’t feel his arms or catch his breath.  _ Come back _ , his heart screams but he knows Axel hasn’t changed.

“I failed you,” he whispers. “I’m sorry, Axel.”

Every fight they ever had, every disagreement, every bit of anger he ever felt toward Axel comes to the forefront of his mind, and he’s left panting on his knees, his head pressed against the stone wall of the castle. Knowing he may lose Axel makes any bit of anger they ever had for another seems completely idiotic. He was younger, angrier, and they sometimes didn’t see eye to eye.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, voice breaking and cracking as the tears start to wrack his entire body. His nails dig into the wall, the skin tearing and breaking, the stone turning his flesh raw and bloody. “I’m so sorry!”

“Roxas,” comes Ven’s soft voice and then he feels Ven join him but so does someone else.

He jerks his head around and notes Aqua and Terra are both there, willing to comfort him in turn. His eyes tear up further but he buries his face in Ven’s chest while Ven wraps his arms around him.

“It’ll be okay. We’re going to get them both back. Sora and Axel are both strong. They’ve survived so much,” Aqua says and places a hand on the back of his head.

“Don’t give up on him,” Terra says softly.

The tears dissipate and Roxas is left feeling empty and tired. They remain together for what feels like forever until Ven manages to walk him back to his room so he could rest. They tuck him in and offer to stay but he tells them to go. He needs to be alone. Once the room is quiet, Roxas stares up at the ceiling and slowly lets his eyes close.

He would dreamwalk alone.

* * *

 

“Axel? Hey.”

Xion shaking him brings him back to sitting in the living room even though his mind kept wandering hopelessly. He looks up at her and sees her face twisted in worry. “Yeah?”

“What’s wrong? You’ve been so quiet since you guys came back from the fair.”

“Oh… Heh.” Axel waves his hand in dismissal. “Just tired.”

“I was talking to you and it’s like you weren’t even here.” Xion sits down beside him and takes his hand to hold. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please? I just want to help.”

Axel sighs and wipes his eyes on the back of his wrist. “Just some stuff with Roxas and I. It’s nothing important.”

“It’s important enough to upset you.”

“I can’t say, Xion. He’d be upset.” Axel is positive Roxas doesn’t want anyone knowing they’re now allowed to be intimate together in private. “Just drop it, please.”

Xion’s eyes fill with sadness but she doesn’t pry further and instead leans against his side. “Whatever it is, I’m sure Roxas wouldn’t want you to be upset. You know that, right? You should talk to him if you’re upset by something he said.”

Maybe she’s right and maybe he should ask Roxas if he’d meant anything by stating they could be intimate privately but not in public together. Maybe it has to do with the term friends with benefits – they aren’t exactly  _ boyfriends _ . Roxas doesn’t date and they’re still best friends. Confrontation doesn’t sit well with him, however, but he admits quietly maybe she’s right.

“I am right. Always.” Xion kisses his cheek. “I’m going to go get some boba, do you want to come?”

“No, I’m okay. Thanks, Xion.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, Axel.” Xion grabs her bag and phone on her way out the door and soon the apartment is empty.

The emptiness all around makes Axel feel wearily wary. Being alone has not been in his best experience lately. His mind immediately wanders back to the night he saw Saïx and his stomach clenches as he remembers their conversation. Saïx eventually asked him to meet up sometime but they’d been blissfully interrupted. He’s afraid to see Saïx again and find out what he wants.

_ Axel. _

The voice startles him out of his seat and he spins around trying to finally pinpoint the specter constantly haunting him. There is no one in the living room but he and the voice sounds painfully familiar. It’s so muffled, however, he’s having a difficult time making it out.

_ Axel, please, wake up. _

“Who are you?” Axel asks slowly instead of simply ignoring the voice. Maybe he can find some answers. “What do you want?”

_ Axel, it’s me, Roxas! _

Roxas.

The voice suddenly becomes crystal clear and it’s as if Roxas is standing in the room with him.

_ You’re asleep, Roxas. You’re sleeping, this isn’t real, you need to wake up. Please, come back with me. Fight the darkness, Axel. _

“The dark- what are you talking about? Roxas, where are you? This isn’t funny!” Axel storms to the kitchen to start looking for him even though he’s certain Roxas is out with Sora right now.

_ I’m not there- I’m in your dream. Axel, follow my voice and come home! Please, we need you to wake up. _

“I’m not sleeping!” Axel exclaims. “I’m awake.” He knows he’s awake because he never remembers his dreams this vividly.

_ Yes, you are. This world isn’t real, Axel. It’s a dream.  _ I’m _ in the real world. You have to come back to me, we all miss you! Please, Axel… Xion, Isa, Sora, Riku… we all want you to come back! _

The name Isa rings a bell and the apartment fades from view in favor of placing him in the dark. He startles and looks around in confusion. “Where am I?” he whispers.

_ You’re waking. Follow my voice, Axel. _

Axel slowly steps through the dark even though he has no idea what is beneath his feet toward Roxas’ voice. Everything feels completely insane – he’s following Roxas’ voice through darkness because the disembodied voice is telling him he’s asleep.  _ I’m not asleep _ , he thinks firmly but continues walking.

_ I’m right here. Can’t you see me? _

“No,” Axel says and reaches out his hand into the darkness, assuming he will eventually feel Roxas standing there with him but there is nothing and no one. Just empty air.

“Axel?”

_ Axel, don’t! _

The darkness fades away so fast he feels as if he’s being yanked backward and almost loses his balance entirely. When he comes back to the present, he notes he’s standing in front of his closet again, hand reaching out into the black maw uselessly.

“Axel.” Roxas – the real Roxas – reaches out to grab his shoulder which helps ground him in the space. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he whispers. “I was having a dream.”

“You were sleep-walking?”

“I guess. Yeah.” Axel slowly turns to look down at Roxas and feels a lot better seeing his friend at his side. “I was dreaming about you.”

Roxas blushes and looks down before rolling his eyes and giving him a shove. “Shut up.”

“I was! You kept telling me I was asleep. Isn’t that weird?” Axel turns from his closet to go and sit on the edge of the bed. “I thought you were out with Sora?”

“I was but we finished up so I came home.” Roxas sinks down by his side on the bed which immediately makes Axel’s heart flutter. “You want to do something?”

“I… was wanting to talk,” Axel says slowly even as his mind immediately tells him to shut up and never bring this up again.

“About what?”

“What you said- the other day. About us being friends with benefits…” Nerves eat him from the inside out and his fingers fidget endlessly with the frayed holes in his jeans. “About only being intimate together in private.”

“Right. What about it? Did you change your mind?” Roxas asks and there is a slight twinge of fear in his voice.

“No! I just… uh… I feel kind of like I’m your dirty secret.” Axel glances over shyly but quickly looks away as his feelings of monumental proportions drag him around in a tumultuous sea of confusion. “You know?”

“Oh…” Roxas sighs. “I’m just not comfortable with public displays, Axel.”

“Well, let’s say Xion asks me about it… Maybe she catches us kissing one day. Can I tell her or am I supposed to be pretend she’s hallucinating?” Maybe the example is extreme but he feels as if this is what Roxas wants.

“You can tell Xion,” Roxas amends. “I just don’t want to be all over each other, okay?”

Axel nods. “Okay.”

“Are you upset?” Roxas asks slowly. “I don’t want you to be upset, Axel, I just don’t want you to think there’s more happening between us than there really is. We’re friends. We… can be affectionate. Have sex. That’s it. We’re not together or boyfriends or whatever. Is that okay with you?”

The burn of the words makes him shudder on the inside but holds back a wave of emotions and masks them behind being stoic. “Of course, Roxas, I get it.”

“Good. Okay.” Roxas nods firmly and jumps up. “So, tonight… Do you want to… do that last thing?”

Axel shrugs once. “If you want to.”

“Great. I have to go work on a paper, so, if I’m not done by dinner, shove some pop tarts under my door.”

Another nod. Roxas leaves the room and once more Axel is left alone with his thoughts. He falls back onto the bed and stares up at the ceiling feeling extremely far away from his body. Roxas has a right to feel how he wants and Axel respects his wishes but it doesn’t stop him from hurting.  _ Stupid, you should have just told him no instead of being a desperate crybaby. _

_ Axel! _

“Ugh! Not  _ again _ .” Axel groans and presses the heels of his palms to his eyes. “Go  _ away _ .”

The sound of a floorboard creaking makes him sit up and his eyes widen when he sees Roxas standing in front of him dressed in a floor-length leather trench coat. Like the jacket from his closet. His eyes are furious and his face a mask of anger and rage. His image isn’t quite whole; Axel can see the room on the other side when he shifts, like a transparent ghost.

_ Axel, wake up! _

He startles and reaches out to touch Roxas but his hand goes right through him. “What the hell,” he whispers.

_ Wait, can you see me? Axel, can you see me? _

He nods in fear. “I’m dreaming.”

_ No, well- yes, you are dreaming – but I’m not the dream! You’re  _ in _ the dream. Come back with me. You need to wake up. You and Sora fell into a sleep caused by darkness. You’re both dreaming this same dream. You have to wake up. Please. _

“But…” Axel trails off and looks around the room he’s called home for…

He doesn’t know how long. A frown pulls his brows together as he notes the room starts to fade away. Each object slowly fades back to darkness and he’s back to the empty void but Roxas is here with him now. No longer transparent, Roxas is able to take his hand.

“Walk with me, Axel. I’ll take you home.”

“But… I… I had a life back there!” Axel exclaims, gesturing backward at the void. “I was with you- we were… We were going to… And Saïx! He was there! We were in a  _ cult _ . I had tattoos- I… It’s like the memories were all real but I couldn’t remember… I…”

“The darkness made you dream of your worst fears and greatest desires, Axel. We can talk about it more when you wake up.” Roxas starts to tug his arm but Axel locks his feet in place. “Axel, this isn’t a game! You could  _ die _ .”

Die? Self-preservation tells him to go with Roxas, even if he’s afraid to go forward. “I don’t understand,” he whispers.

“It’ll be okay, Axel. We’ll go back together into the light.” Roxas squeezes his hand. “I won’t leave you.”

Axel swallows down a lump in his throat and slowly starts to walk back with Roxas. There is a light up ahead and he’s vaguely aware of someone once telling him not to go into the light but he walks without fear. The light consumes them both and his eyes slowly blink open. For a moment, he feels disoriented but after a moment, he manages to sit up and look around to take stock of his environment.

He’s on a bed, in a softly lit room, and next to him is a sleeping Sora. On the bed there are seashells and on the nightstand, several popsicle sticks with the word WINNER printed on them. He smiles and slowly lifts the popsicle sticks into his hand. The door of the room bursts open and Roxas stands there, panting, and pale.

“Roxas,” he gasps.

“Axel? Axel!!” Roxas runs to his side and throws his arms around him in a tight, desperate hug. “You’re awake. You’re  _ awake _ . I did it, I woke you up.”

Axel wraps his arms around Roxas in turn and gives him a tight squeeze. “Roxas,” he whispers. Happiness fills him to his core at seeing his best friend. “What happened?”

“You and Sora fell into a darkness. It made you sleep and you started to dream. We were having a difficult time waking you. Riku and I have been dreamwalking to bring you back. I almost had you the other day but…” Roxas shakes his head. “You were so hard to pull back toward the light. I was afraid I’d lose you forever.”

“I’m sorry,” he says immediately, the urge to apologize as real as the urge to never let go. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s okay.” Roxas cups his face in his hands and presses their foreheads together gently. “I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“What about Sora?” Axel turns his gaze to where Sora lies in a deep slumber. On his nightstand is a wayfinder charm but it’s different than the one he received from Kairi.

“He’s still asleep,” Roxas replies sadly. “But now that you’re awake, I can try to help Riku wake him.”

He touches his forehead and tries to recall the events leading up to falling asleep but there’s nothing there. Just a blank wall. “I don’t even remember what happened before this… How did we fall into darkness?”

Roxas looks down and Axel can see he looks saddened. “You and Sora both faced darkness to protect Riku and I. It consumed you.”

“I don’t…” Axel pauses as he does remember; there had been shadow and heartless coming for them. Riku and Roxas had both been at the forefront, fighting and weakened, but Axel remembers Sora running at his side. There had been no hesitation from either of them. They both took the final blow meant for Riku and Roxas side by side.

The darkness had surrounded them, blinding him, sliding up his nose, and into his ears and mouth. Tasted of ash and rot, choking him until he could no longer feel or process anything surrounding him. Voices faded and then he’d woken up in the dream.

“I do remember,” Axel mutters. “I would have done it again to keep you safe, Roxas.”

Roxas spins around to face him, the expression on his face contorting in half anger and half hurt. The sun seems to set in Roxas’ eyes and they turn midnight blue. “ _ Don’t _ you say that! I can’t lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either,” he points out.

“You’ve lost me before but I always come back!” Roxas’ hands clench into fists while tears shine like stars in his twilight eyes. “I’ve  _ never _ lost you, Axel. You’ve- you’ve always been there. I refuse to lose you, so, don’t you ever do that again.”

Tears shimmer and wet his own eyes and he slowly takes Roxas’ balled up fists and tries to hold his hands. “I will always be there to come back to you, Roxas.”  

Tears like fallen stars slide down Roxas’ face and slowly slides down until he’s almost on the floor but Axel guides him to his lap instead to hold. “I was so afraid,” he whispers desperately.

Axel rubs Roxas’ back as a way to soothe, while his eyes rest on where Sora is lying. If Roxas came to his dream then Roxas knew what he had been dreaming about. The thought makes his face burn red but he doesn’t bring it up. Not now – they can talk about it later.

“I’m here,” he whispers. “I’m here.”

* * *

 

“How did you do it?”

Riku’s voice carries over to where he’s sitting at the highest point in the castle, staring down at the courtyard below. Axel is talking with Xion and Naminé, gesticulating wildly as he is want to do. “How did I do what?” Roxas asks, eyes still on his friends.

“How did you wake him up?” Riku joins him without being prompted or asked but Roxas doesn’t mind the company for once. They’ve bonded over their friends and while it still feels strange to consider Riku even remotely an acquaintance, he also knows how much Sora means to them both.

“I don’t know,” Roxas replies. “I just know that I was able to fully manifest in his dream and I drew him out of it. Once I could hold onto him, we started walking. You have to push and push. I was exhausted when I woke up- felt like I’d run for miles without stopping.”

“What you did was dangerous,” Riku snarls. “You could have killed yourself. That’s why you always do it with a buddy in the room, to bring you back.”

“I did what I had to bring Axel back,” Roxas snaps in return. “I’m sorry you don’t have the same dedication for Sora.”

The words come out cold and mean, and as soon as he says them, Roxas wants to take them back. He’s always been harsh with opinions and feelings but knowing Riku’s fragile state, since he’d just been there himself, he also knows how damaging words can be.

Riku is quiet and doesn’t say anything in reply. Roxas forms an apology, trying to navigate his way back through the words so he can make amends and correct his mistake. He doesn’t want Riku to do something reckless because he implied Riku plays the game too safely.

“I’m sorry,” Roxas says quietly. “I didn’t mean that… I  _ know _ how hard we’ve both been working and trying.” Riku stands up and starts to go back down which only worries Roxas more.  “Riku!”

“I’m not Sora’s light,” Riku replies and the words feel finite and cold. A death sentence.

“Riku, wait.” Roxas scrambles to his feet but Riku is already heading back down the stairs. “Riku!”

The world feels a little colder once Riku is gone and Roxas does his best to shake off the bad feeling settling over his shoulders. Riku is not a reckless person by nature – from being one with Sora, Roxas knows Riku is someone who takes careful planning seriously but he also knows how deeply in love Riku seems to be.

Love, a stupid and blinding emotion.

Roxas runs down after him but on the way almost runs into Isa. Isa’s hands come out to catch him before they collide into each other which he quickly pulls free. Isa has done his best to make amends and Roxas has done  _ his _ best to accept Isa’s apology but he’s not a fan of being alone together.

“Roxas? What’s wrong?” Isa asks, head tilting.

“Nothing,” he replies. “Just looking for someone.”

“Who?”

“Not your business.” Roxas steps around Isa and decides to go find Axel. He’s still in the courtyard with Naminé and Xion, sitting cross-legged and listening to them talk.

“Roxas!” Naminé says with a smile.

“Hi.” He waves at them shyly and feels his stomach tense up when he sees Axel in the moonlight. With his new knowledge of Axel’s feelings, Roxas can feel his own tripping and tangling until they’re a messy nest. He has no idea how to unravel them but they need to talk.

“Come to join us?” Xion asks.

“I was wondering if I could borrow Axel for a while…” Roxas ducks his head and scuffs his shoes on the grass. “Please?”

“Sure, we’re not holding him hostage,” Naminé replies to which Axel dramatically falls towards them making them laugh. “Stop!”

“Help me, Roxas, I’m being held, hostage!” Axel exclaims and holds out both of his arms in a faux display of helplessness. “They want to know how I put on eyeliner and where I shop for clothing!”

Roxas snorts but takes Axel’s hands to drag him forward. Despite Axel’s thin appearance, he’s heavy with toned muscle and being so tall, Roxas struggles to pull him to his feet. Axel only stands when he shifts and uses his knees to push himself upright.

“Bye, Axel,” Xion says.

“See ya, ladies.” Axel waves and they fall into step as best they can. Axel has to slow down or Roxas has to jog, otherwise, they’d never be able to walk side by side. “What’s up, Rox?”

“I wanted to… talk about your dream,” Roxas says slowly.

“Oh. That.” Axel ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck. “Look man, if it makes you uncomfortable, we can just forget it, okay? It’s no big deal.”

“But it is, isn’t it?” Roxas stops him when they find a private alcove to talk in. Axel sits down against a banister, his back to a pillar, while Roxas stands. “It’s a big deal to you…. It’s a big deal to me, too.”

Axel waves his hand and looks away - forever the master at pretending he doesn’t feel. “Roxas-.”

“Axel,  _ stop _ .” Roxas doesn’t mean to snap but he knows Axel has a heart now. He’s human; he has feelings and emotions. Probably ones he’s never had before or even know what to do with. “Stop pretending this doesn’t upset you.”

Axel slowly turns piercing green eyes back on him but he doesn’t stop looking annoyed. “What do you want me to say, Roxas? That I’m in love with you?”

“Are you?”

“I… I  _  don’t know _ .” Axel throws his hands in the arm and then folds them tight across his chest as a defense mechanism. “I don’t know what I feel toward you, I just know that in the dream I wasn’t exactly happy.”

“I know,” Roxas whispers.

“But it’s what I wanted… Sort of.”

“You want to be more than just friends who… sometimes do more than friendly things,” Roxas says slowly. “Right? You want… You want to be partners.”

“Yeah, so  _ what _ ?” Axel asks, voice snapping as he tries to protect his heart. Roxas understands.

“Axel, I’ve never felt these things before… I never had time for love or crushing on someone. I’ve never felt attracted to someone in this way-.”

“Then just say that, okay? You can just say you’re not into me,” Axel says and goes to walk away but Roxas grabs his elbow.

“Will you shut up and let me  _ finish _ , please?” Roxas shoves Axel back onto his butt so he’s sitting again. “I’ve never felt these things until I met you.”

Axel’s eyes widen and tears immediately glimmer and shine. “What?” he gasps.

“I like you, Axel. I have… feelings for you. It’s strange and scary and I have no idea what I’m doing but I  _ do _ have them.” Roxas steps closer until he’s standing between Axel’s thighs, placing Axel’s hand on his chest. “You make my heart race.”

Axel visibly gulps and his eyes look glazed in the light. “You make me feel like I have a heart.”

“You do now,” Roxas points out softly.

“Yeah, well, even when I didn’t that’s how you made me feel.” Axel’s face turns as red as his hair and he immediately buries his face in Roxas’ chest to hide. “So, what does this mean?”

“It means we’re figuring this out together…these new feelings and emotions.” Roxas slowly wraps his arms around Axel’s shoulders to hold him. “If you want.”

“I want.”

“Okay.” He kisses the top of Axel’s head and they stay together for a while, holding one another, while the stars twinkle peacefully overhead.

Roxas thinks on Riku and how he’d damaged their already fragile relationship. He would have to make amends somehow and fix what he’d broken but he doesn’t want to leave Axel’s side. This place feels like home.

Later.

He can fix it later.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xenogl0ssia)


End file.
